Blessing and Curses

Deuteronomy 30:19-20

"It was so eerie that day.  I had decided to go for a walk in the early evening and it was so extremely quiet.  I could hear the birds singing and the breeze blowing gently.  Even though I was listening to music, I heard no airplanes overhead or traffic sounds from the highway. It was breathtakingly quiet and it was a beautiful.  I needed to walk off the emotion of this horrific day.  The quiet came from the president’s order of no flights due to the nature of the attack on our country. 

The United States of America, a country that I have been so proud to be a citizen of, has come under attack.  My immediate family is safe and we have all been in contact with everyone. It is a day I will not soon forget." from my journal, 9/11/2001
 

September 11, 2015
I can't believe that it's been 14 years.  This event took place the first year I was back in the public schools teaching in a Bilingual classroom.  I was listening to the broadcast in Spanish on the radio on the way to school because I was practicing my Spanish for a state exam to get my temporary teaching license to teach in a Bilingual environment. I was amazed that I understood what they had said, yet I thought I was mistaken until I arrived at school and saw the news on the TV.

Since that day, I have experienced an overwhelming number of losses and also so many joys!  I have had curses and blessings!
And I don't want to go back, yet, when I do....I see how far I've, we've come! 

God promised me "blessings" and "curses"...I remember the day I sat in the church office discussing this with my spiritual counselor as I was heartbroken over choices my teenage son was making.
He told me to "choose life".  Life for myself and "life" in what I chose to do to deal with the situation. 

I hadn't thought about this in many years, but when I came across this verse the other day, it reminded me of that day...."choose life".

"This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses.
Now, choose life so that you and your children may live." Deuteronomy 30:19-20.

I think this is what I did and do after each curse I'm faced with and this is what we did after 9/11/2001.  The country, New York City and all of us, continued to choose life and to celebrate the lives that were lost. In retrospect we can see the blessings from the dark places our lives have taken us. We see the gifts, and if we don't, we need to look harder, because they are there.  We will never forget because if we do, we will never see how far we have come.

Blessings and life to you all today as we reflect on the last 14 years and the horrific act that changed our world view.

Isaiah 61:1-3
"....to give them a crown of beauty instead of ashes."

Real People

Photo by Henry Winokur

It has been a long time since I've posted here...But none-the-less, my mind has been going non-stop about so many things.  One of the suggestions that I got from a workshop I attended said to focus on a “moment”...and elaborate on that moment. Unfortunately for me...a “moment” leads to a lifetime and there are not enough words to express all of that!

 

My dear father in law passed away on May 2, 2015.  We kind of knew this was about to happen and were prepared as best we could be.  My husband was surprised by the sadness he felt and still feels about losing his father.  Today has been a hard day for him right from the start because the memories just keep on coming.  It is Father's Day. (Here I paused….)

I came up to my "office" to check on something quickly...on the computer...and here I find myself, reading an old letter and drifting back in time...again and losing my train of thought for the moment.  It was too hard to write the story on Father’s Day, so I put the writing away and saved it.  Here in my computer’s newly expanded memory, the thoughts sat and a month has gone by!  

Here I go again, the day after our 41^st anniversary, attempting to write about how I felt during these precious moments.

As we were cleaning out drawers at my in-laws house, my husband happened upon a letter he had written on October 19^th, 1970. He found it in the bottom drawer of the nightstand next to his father's side of the bed.

Now, for your information, my husband's father was not sentimental at all, but for some reason he had held on to this letter.  It was next to a folded up napkin from our wedding, July 20, 1974.

“Dear Mom and Dad, Kim and Jennifer too!”

Isn’t it something special that we had to write letters back in the 70’s to our parents while we were away at college? I recall making a weekly phone call home on Sunday evening when the long distance rates were cheaper.  It’s a tradition I have kept up all my life, calling mom on Sunday evening at least once a week.  We wrote letters too! Poured our hearts out to our parents, boyfriends, sisters, and grandparents.  There was something special about hand written letters and this letter must have been important because it had been saved in a special place.  Doug said to me when he found it, “Come here and check this out!” Then he quickly folded it up and put it back in the envelope and said, “Never mind”! (He probably wasn't sure where the letter was leading with the mention of an old girlfriend..)

This sudden change of attitude peaked my interest, so when we got home a few days later, I read the letter silently to myself and discovered what the mystery was all about.  In the letter, he had outlined for his parents all of the activities he and his hometown girlfriend had participated in during the Homecoming festivities and it sounded like they had a great time! He also described difficulties he was having with his roommate and how they were going to split up and move in with other people.  He explained how hard he was studying and how difficult the classes were that he was taking at the time. He mentioned that the sciences were extremely difficult and that he was “running out of study time that’s ‘cause there is so much to learn.”  Then finally he says, “I’m still enrolled in college.”

The letter gets more interesting towards the end… and this is the part that touches my heart and makes me realize what a sweet young man he was when we first met.

He starts talking about “People” and writes, “People are just as important as studies and I have met some great individuals…people I love…not just acquaintances.  REAL PEOPLE.”

My experience of college dorm life, classes and meeting new people was much the same…you met really great people and you had time to talk to them and get to know them and you LIVED with them on a day to day basis.  They became like your family, your sisters and brothers, your neighbors and your confidantes.

Then he writes to his parents…

“I have also met a girl. (You knew I was leading up to that, didn’t you mom and dad?)”

“Her name is Gail Parker.”

He wrote this letter to his parents to tell them about meeting ME! This is so special! He wanted to tell his family that he had met someone he loved, a new girl, and he told them my name! So nostalgic and sweet, I began to feel those feelings of butterflies and anxiousness and the feeling of falling in love all over again! 

“I don’t see her much but…but I DON’T KNOW. I am anxious for you to meet her…she makes me feel…HAPPINESS…that means a great deal to me.  ON & ON & ON I COULD GO ABOUT HER BUT YOU WOULDN’T GET THE PICTURE. I’ll send a picture, how’s that?” 

What a precious memory…the time we were first dating and I made him feel HAPPINESS (all caps!). I hope I still do. 

We have been married now for 41 years. That is a long time and a short time.  We have raised three children and now are blessed with 4 beautiful grandchildren! As anyone who knows us knows…we’ve had some highs and lows but we have always remained committed to one another and to our family.  We have held onto our faith and each other through all of it. What an amazing ride we have had together! And what a treat to find this precious memory tucked away in a drawer!

 

Beautiful Angel Gowns

Michelle's wedding gown on  her wedding day.

“Where Dream Gowns…. Become Angel Gowns”…

This whole project started back sometime in January.  It was shortly after we had moved to our new home in the small town of Cicero, Indiana.  There had recently been a news story about a baby’s body that had been found in a forest preserve nearby, and an organization called Little Angel Gowns had donated a burial gown for the baby and worked with another organization to provide a proper burial for her. I can’t remember the exact date or details of the story.  I just know that it touched my heart to think that there were organizations willing to provide these items and services in such a horrific situation.

After hearing about this organization, my daughter, Michelle, mentioned it to me and told me that she would really like to donate her wedding gown to this organization so that it could be made into burial gowns for infant loss.  Michelle had always wanted to do something special with her gown, but it sat for 7 years in the closet of our home in Illinois, not cleaned, just crunched into the closet of her old bedroom at our house.  The dress was, in fact, still there as we still owned our home and were letting our son and his family live in it while our son attended graduate school in Chicago.

Little Angel Gowns held an open house in February, and I drove to Indianapolis to see what this was all about.  When I got there, I met several truly dedicated women who were all sewing like mad to make gowns and “pockets” out of donated wedding dresses. Some of the projects were very simple…some were quite elaborate. Each one was very precious and special.  As I left the open house that day with a packet of patterns and instructions under my arm, I began to get excited about the idea of turning my daughter’s wedding gown into something special for someone who had experienced a devastating loss.

On a trip back to the Chicago area, I loaded Michelle’s gown as well as my own wedding gown into the back of the car. “Stuffed” would be a better word as I had forgotten just how much fabric and crinoline under skirting was involved in a wedding gown! I’m not quite sure my husband understood what I was attempting to do! We were still unpacking boxes at this point, but I was on a mission! I brought the gowns upstairs and Michelle's daughter beamed at seeing this beautiful "princess dress" that was mommy's.  It was a little bit overwhelming for her to try on, but she glowed when I laid it across her and snapped her picture!

Gail's wedding gown from 1974.

Michelle’s gown was fairly plain, but had a bodice full of “ruching”. Ruching is a French term which means to gather, ruffle, or pleat; the term is a sewing technique in which fabric or ribbon is gathered in a repeating pattern to form ruffles, scallops, or petals. The skirt was full of multiple tucks used to create a kind of upside down ice cream cone effect. (That’s the only way I can begin to explain it.) My gown, on the other hand, was extremely simple, and the lace on the gown itself had yellowed quite a bit. Luckily I had saved some of the pretty lace and happened to have about ¼ yard of it remaining from when I made the dress in 1974!  In my head I wanted to incorporate little bits of both of our dresses into the Little Angel Gowns that I created.  I didn’t know just how much this project would get into my head and heart as I went along!

I really began getting involved in the project during April and May.  My father in law was very ill and in and out of the hospital during that time and my husband was gone for days at a time visiting him. During those days, I would retreat up to my sewing room and work on little dresses for hours at a time.  The first cut into the wedding dress was so difficult.  I wasn’t sure just how I was going to use the fabric on the bodice.  It was so beautiful, but the pieces were too small to make them into part of the little gowns.  I had read in the instruction packet that we were to make little hearts out of some of the fabric from each gown to be given to the mother who experienced the loss.  I wanted the hearts to be as pretty as the gowns, so I carefully cut little hearts out of the bodice.  I felt such a connection to the families who would receive these hearts…I said a little prayer for each one, each little baby who would wear the gown and each mother and father who would keep the hearts as a remembrance.

As I began cutting and sewing these little garments, it seemed I almost became obsessed with finishing them.  I wanted each seam to be perfect and each embellishment to be exactly right.  I hand sewed pearls and lace and crystals carefully into place. I wanted each gown to be a masterpiece for the family that would use it someday.  It was almost as if I were creating beauty from something difficult. That’s what this organization is all about.  The dream gowns become the angel gowns.  It is a beautiful concept.  I feel honored and blessed to be able to participate.

The week after my father in law passed away, we stopped at the funeral home in the Chicago area to pick up his ashes and sign important paper work.  As my husband and I walked in the door, we saw a notification for a visitation scheduled for an infant posted at the door.  I asked the funeral director if they had ever heard of Little Angle Gowns, and he said “No”.  He told us that they had had such a hard time finding appropriate garments for the baby because it was so tiny.  Luckily, I had a Little Angel Gowns card in my purse and I handed it to him.  He was very appreciative.  I felt like I was doing the right thing, passing on this information. Even during our own loss, these beautiful gowns were being created to help others.

After I had finished several gowns, I made a few outfits for infant boys.  This was almost difficult for me as I have a grandson that is not even 1 year old yet.  He is the blessing we received after a pregnancy loss the year prior to his birth, and one of the reasons that Michelle wanted to donate her gown.  The little boy outfits turned out so cute, though, and I was able to incorporate parts of both of our gowns on them as well.  As Michelle and her husband come up on 8 years of marriage and celebrate the love they have for each other and their precious family, I completed 13 Little Angel Gowns from her dress and mine.  I made an extra special little “heart” to give to my daughter in honor of their Little Angel Baby.

So as I write this little memory of my time working on these beautiful gowns, I am thinking about how blessed I am that I can do this, that I can offer my talents up to make something so special. These are what I call my "Sunflower Moments"...when I feel a connection to something greater than myself.  I look forward with glad anticipation to the rainy days when I can get up to my sewing room and finish a few more gowns and outfits from my own wedding gown. Then in the fall… when things settle in to more of a routine, I will take on the challenge of another donated gown!

www.littleangelgowns.org