Early Thursday Morning

Whenever I cannot sleep because my mind is going, going, going as if it were running a marathon that never ends, I squeeze my eyes shut tightly and force my mind to visualize myself laying cozily in the hand of God.  Usually after a few extra deep breaths, I can relax and go back to sleep. Thursday morning was not one of those times. I just couldn’t get comfortable in God’s hand this time. I’ve always felt “held” in the past, but at that moment, I did not.

I climbed carefully out of bed and walked out to the great room and looked outside to see if it was raining. It was dark and warm with a slight breeze but no rain. I opened the sliding door and walked with bare feet out and sat down on a damp chair, put my head down in my hands and began to sob.  I’ve been holding my emotions together by a thread lately and at that moment I just railed at God and the Universe into the gentle breeze, not with words, but with sobs and sighs and deep breaths.

My own sobbing brought me back to a time when my son was only 10 years old and had tried out for a travel baseball team that he had been involved with the previous year. I had just gone over to the park district to look at the posting of the players for the new season listed on the door of the building. His name was not included. As a mom of an anxious boy, I was very aware of how much he wanted to be a part of this team and a huge sense of disappointment rushed over me and I felt so helpless for him. It was probably the first real let-down that he was to experience, and I was going to have to be the one tell him.

I remember going in to work at the church preschool that morning and before facing anybody else, I went directly up into the sanctuary and sat down in the quiet space and prayed for peace and understanding…but inside I was a wreck. I didn’t speak out loud, but my thoughts railed at God as I looked up at the altar with sobs and sighs and deep breaths.

This memory kind of seems ridiculous now as I look back on it some 25 years after it happened. It seems like such an insignificant moment that in retrospect doesn’t even count in the course of life’s storms. However, it occurred to me on Thursday morning that after my current moment of despair, that my son had moved on after the disappointment. He joined a wonderful team, coached by his dad. They went on to win the championship at the local level and had a very good time with all of his friends, minus the pressure and the competitive nature of the whole “travel” team. It turned out just as it needed to be, just as God intended it to be.

I realized in that moment, that what we think is the “best” situation or solution to a problem may not be the “right” one. I’ve learned this multiple times, yet I still wail angrily at God when it doesn’t seem to be moving in MY preferred way…This living with uncertainty and disappointment while waiting for God to reveal WHAT the next thing is, is so difficult. I just keep forgetting the lessons I have learned.  

After I got the grief and anger out of my system, I knew that I was just being impatient. God was still holding me in the palm of his hand. My concern for my  children has not changed, nor do I think it ever will. The issues and concerns I pray over my children are related to health, mental health, job security, financial stability and the very lives of my grandchildren. All of these issues seem to be so much more important and life altering than 5th grade baseball in the grand scheme of things. It seemed as though I had been looking at “travel” baseball tryouts through a huge magnifying glass back when it happened. It seemed so very important at the time and it wasn’t easy to trust that things were going to work out, but they did. I longed to take the magnifying glass off of the current problems the my children were facing and tried to see them through a lens that would bring me closer to God. I want to trust, but then that darn doubt creeps into my brain in the wee hours of the night. I do know in my heart that the issues will resolve, one way or another, in God’s perfect timing.  He doesn’t seem to mind that I’m not a fan of His timing, but God is usually right. 

After my good crying jag and some sobering thoughts and realizations that I cannot control any of it, I swore at the devil out loud, 

“Leave me and my family alone, dammit!” and went back inside.  

I turned on the shower, stepped into it and let the warm water run over me as I stood there.  It felt to me like a renewal of my baptism.  The water was softly flowing over me and cleansing me as if it held the power of the Holy Spirit to restore me. The Spirit was rinsing away all of my resentments, fears, negative thoughts and anxieties. Afterwards, I felt better, stronger and closer to God. I was dressed and ready face the day by the time the sun began lightening the sky.

Gail Mehlan

June 2019

Serenity

I’m in the car driving, taking a brief respite from the barrage of TV news and commercials. But the topic is still there on the radio.  This presidential election… Ugh.  I try to get away from it, yet I am drawn into it.  I feel compelled to listen. I think I have made a choice, but still I wait for some information that directs me differently.

The announcer on the radio is talking about a particular candidate.  He states,

“This candidate will do this and that…blah, blah, blah…and if that doesn’t give you goose bumps, then there is something wrong with you!”

I immediately feel a slow small tingly sensation creep up my spine and into the back of my head. The goose bumps travel down my arms and I shiver. There is nothing wrong with me.  I am afraid.

The stress of this fear is making me into someone I don’t like.  I can’t seem to let it go. I listen and react to each tiny sound bite from multiple sources. I follow both candidates on my twitter feed, there are constant Facebook memes making claims about both. It is almost as if I’m into an addiction that taunts me and drives my thinking. 

I remember back to the first time I voted for president.  I was just 18 years old. The only person I listened to about politics was my dad.  I always followed his lead because I trusted his ideas. (I was so young and naive!) When I walked in the poling place for the first time, I was overwhelmed with pride.  I felt so grown-up and important.  I was doing a great thing.  What an honor and privilege to be given the opportunity to vote.

But now…I must think for myself and there seems to be so much to know! As I enter to vote this season, I will be making a decision, and it is not an easy one this time.  My father is no longer with us, yet I still wonder what he would say about this particular election.  I miss his sound advice and informed opinion. I continue to experience the constant swirling thoughts. I thought I had matured enough to let them go…

Suddenly something enters into my thoughts in the form of a very familiar prayer.  I’ve called upon this prayer to release me from anxiety so many times in my life and for so many different circumstances…

“God, grant me the serenity….”

I hear the words in my heart and my body knows that’s what I need. Serenity.

“God, grant me the serenity…to accept the things I cannot change.”

My (Al-Anon) “program” teaches me that I cannot change anyone or anything.  Certainly in this situation I can vote.  But then I must let it go from there…into the universe trusting in a God that is the only one who knows the plans He has for us.  I must accept what I alone cannot change.  Even if the outcome sends goose bumps up my spine, I cannot change this.  So I let go…and let God come in and give me a small slice of His peace. Serenity.

“The courage to change the things I can…” 

Then I ask for courage.  This is the word I’ve chosen to focus on this year as my New Year’s resolution: Courage.  The courage to change the things I can change.  I vow to work on my negative thoughts, my stubbornness to view things a certain way, the courage to stop the thoughts when they overwhelm me. I vow to work on myself knowing that I am the only one I can change. Sometimes the only thing I can work on is my own perspective.  It takes courage, I think, to be myself…to do what I think is best and then move on. My heart begins to feel a bit of relief.  I can change only me.

“And the wisdom to know the difference.” 

God, that is what I do need! I listen and listen and find no peace in the listening.  Wisdom is what I pray for. The wisdom to know what I must accept and what I must change.  Wisdom. I don’t always know what it will be or how it will happen. Somehow trusting God to provide that wisdom gives me a sense of peace.

Time and time again, when I am caught up in the hustle and bustle of life, when things seem out of my control and beyond my scope of understanding,

this prayer centers me and offers a sense of calm.  God is with me.  He will provide the courage and the wisdom and all I need to do it. Breathe.  Breathe and carry on…one day at a time, one minute at a time if need be.

My friend sends me a Facebook message and in it he speaks of an idea that gives me hope and faith in our country.

“Each bird has two wings, a right and a left.  It’s body needs both wings to take flight, to soar.”- M.Arlen

So, too, our country needs people of all types, races, languages, and beliefs.  Our country needs two wings to fly…if both wings can agree to work together!  We are strong; we must start in the here and now to learn to fly together.

“God, grant me the serenity…”

Just saying those few words brings me peace for the moment.

Then I say it again…and again…like a mantra. I carry on.

Original Serenity Prayer

God, give us grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Taking, as Jesus did,

This sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that You will make all things right,

If I surrender to Your will,

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

Resurrection Parade

 











In the face of a culture of death
a world of killing fields
a world of walking dead
Christ is at the head of the resurrection parade
transforming our tears of betrayal into tears of joy
giving us dancing shoes for the resurrection party

And this glittering joker
who has danced in the dragon's jaw of death
now dances with a dance that is full
of nothing less that the fullness of God

this is the dance of the new creation

this is the dance of life out of death
and in this dance all that was broken
all that was estranged
all that was alienated
all that was dislocated and disconnected
is reconciled
comes home
is healed
and is made whole
      
Amen.

From the Roots of Life Prayers, July 17, 2016

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"Mother May I?" Living with Uncertainty and Unanswered Prayers

“Mother May I?”


On a warm June afternoon, I pick up an old journal and read a post that touches my heart.

March 18, 2009

I recall a children’s game where we lined up and one leader was “it”.  When it was your turn the leader would say, “
You may move ahead 3 steps.”
Then you would have to ask, “Mother, may I?”
The leader would say either, “Yes, you may.”
Or “No, you may________.”
And they would fill in a different direction for you to follow.

Sometimes I feel like I am still playing a game asking for permission to step forward in life….”Mother, may I?”

Is it okay?
Am I doing the right thing?
God are you really a parent/teacher type? Do you watch each of our steps so closely?
Do you really care?

Sometimes I ask you,
“God, may I?”

And you don’t respond.

Sometimes I face a roadblock and I know the answer is clearly, “NO.”

“Go a different way!”

I pray for wisdom today…wisdom about what I should do.

I wish for it to always be a clear, “Yes, you may take one GIANT step!”
Or “No, you may not!  Do this instead.” (And I fear it will be to take two GIANT steps backwards!)

What is it about this post touches my heart? I begin to reflect again on the many questions that I have had in my life, questions that seemed to have no clear answers.  I was struggling then with fear.  I was facing some rather serious health issues related to my heart.  I was experiencing a lack of energy to keep doing the job that I was doing and had just discovered that I would need to work several more years before I could retire. I wanted to retire while I still had some energy left to LIVE!  I was worried and I had questions. Would I ever get to retire?



And how is it that I AM learning to live with the questions?

Is it okay to just accept and love the questions themselves? Can I make my life move forward in the middle of a hundred unanswered prayers…when I don’t see what’s ahead? Living with uncertainty is difficult.

I wrote a special prayer for myself that day.

A prayer of questions,

Lord,
What is it that You would have me do with my life? I have found my roles as a wife and mother challenging and rewarding all at the same time.  Give me strength…infuse me with a spirit of love and positive attitude.

Lord,
I have questions about my professional future.  I am searching for guidance and a sign, what shall I do? Loving this question just confuses me. Trust.

I have questions about raising my children.  I want to get it right, but so much seems to go wrong.  My children don’t seem to follow you or even believe.  I have tried, Lord.  I am tired of trying. 

I have been blessed with a beautiful home, but still feel the waves of discontent here.  What does that mean? What are these whispers of discontent? 

Movement is difficult for me here, Lord…Move me in a direction that pleases you and serves you. 

I keep waiting for answers from YOU, Lord

Guide me…a visible recognizable sign would be welcome.  I am open…my hands are yours…take them and direct me to do work where I can best serve you. Give me peace and purpose in this time of questions.

Amen


As it turns out, I can now see how many of my prayers were answered. Sometimes, with a “yes” sometimes with a “no” and sometimes with a “maybe”… or even a ”WAIT, sit with the questions for a while!” And I did.  And I still do now…I  have lived with the questions and they seem to continue.
It sometimes seems that life is just one big question mark.

Even though I am finally retired, the questions keep coming.  My children are grown and have families of their own and the questions keep coming. I have 4 grandchildren and 1 on the way and I have even more questions than answers. How is that possible? I thought that as I got older and wiser, this would be different. But I do find that even though I still have questions, I am learning to live with them, love them. Nothing is certain. Ever. Can I wait with “breathless expectation” for what is to be revealed? What is God inviting me to do with these questions? Can I live with "gracious uncertainty"?


Uncertainty…Oswald Chamber writes in his devotional, My Utmost for His Highest,

“Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life—gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation.”

“Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in—but you can be certain that He will come. Remain faithful to Him.”  



Forgive us, O God, when we limit you...
When we remake you in our image,

When we claim our causes as your own,
When we box you in,
And explain you away,
And in our attempt at understanding, whittle away all mystery.
Forgive us for our human impulses, and change us:
Awaken us to your blinding glory,
Confound us by your love,
Shower us with grace so that we can be made new,
Recreated in your image,
Grateful for all we cannot know.
In the name of Christ, who brought us closer to you, we pray. Amen.

From the Roots of Life Prayers, June 19, 2016



Gail Mehlan
June 2, 2016
(Some italicized portion taken from journals dated 2009)