"Mother May I?" Living with Uncertainty and Unanswered Prayers

“Mother May I?”


On a warm June afternoon, I pick up an old journal and read a post that touches my heart.

March 18, 2009

I recall a children’s game where we lined up and one leader was “it”.  When it was your turn the leader would say, “
You may move ahead 3 steps.”
Then you would have to ask, “Mother, may I?”
The leader would say either, “Yes, you may.”
Or “No, you may________.”
And they would fill in a different direction for you to follow.

Sometimes I feel like I am still playing a game asking for permission to step forward in life….”Mother, may I?”

Is it okay?
Am I doing the right thing?
God are you really a parent/teacher type? Do you watch each of our steps so closely?
Do you really care?

Sometimes I ask you,
“God, may I?”

And you don’t respond.

Sometimes I face a roadblock and I know the answer is clearly, “NO.”

“Go a different way!”

I pray for wisdom today…wisdom about what I should do.

I wish for it to always be a clear, “Yes, you may take one GIANT step!”
Or “No, you may not!  Do this instead.” (And I fear it will be to take two GIANT steps backwards!)

What is it about this post touches my heart? I begin to reflect again on the many questions that I have had in my life, questions that seemed to have no clear answers.  I was struggling then with fear.  I was facing some rather serious health issues related to my heart.  I was experiencing a lack of energy to keep doing the job that I was doing and had just discovered that I would need to work several more years before I could retire. I wanted to retire while I still had some energy left to LIVE!  I was worried and I had questions. Would I ever get to retire?



And how is it that I AM learning to live with the questions?

Is it okay to just accept and love the questions themselves? Can I make my life move forward in the middle of a hundred unanswered prayers…when I don’t see what’s ahead? Living with uncertainty is difficult.

I wrote a special prayer for myself that day.

A prayer of questions,

Lord,
What is it that You would have me do with my life? I have found my roles as a wife and mother challenging and rewarding all at the same time.  Give me strength…infuse me with a spirit of love and positive attitude.

Lord,
I have questions about my professional future.  I am searching for guidance and a sign, what shall I do? Loving this question just confuses me. Trust.

I have questions about raising my children.  I want to get it right, but so much seems to go wrong.  My children don’t seem to follow you or even believe.  I have tried, Lord.  I am tired of trying. 

I have been blessed with a beautiful home, but still feel the waves of discontent here.  What does that mean? What are these whispers of discontent? 

Movement is difficult for me here, Lord…Move me in a direction that pleases you and serves you. 

I keep waiting for answers from YOU, Lord

Guide me…a visible recognizable sign would be welcome.  I am open…my hands are yours…take them and direct me to do work where I can best serve you. Give me peace and purpose in this time of questions.

Amen


As it turns out, I can now see how many of my prayers were answered. Sometimes, with a “yes” sometimes with a “no” and sometimes with a “maybe”… or even a ”WAIT, sit with the questions for a while!” And I did.  And I still do now…I  have lived with the questions and they seem to continue.
It sometimes seems that life is just one big question mark.

Even though I am finally retired, the questions keep coming.  My children are grown and have families of their own and the questions keep coming. I have 4 grandchildren and 1 on the way and I have even more questions than answers. How is that possible? I thought that as I got older and wiser, this would be different. But I do find that even though I still have questions, I am learning to live with them, love them. Nothing is certain. Ever. Can I wait with “breathless expectation” for what is to be revealed? What is God inviting me to do with these questions? Can I live with "gracious uncertainty"?


Uncertainty…Oswald Chamber writes in his devotional, My Utmost for His Highest,

“Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life—gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation.”

“Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in—but you can be certain that He will come. Remain faithful to Him.”  



Forgive us, O God, when we limit you...
When we remake you in our image,

When we claim our causes as your own,
When we box you in,
And explain you away,
And in our attempt at understanding, whittle away all mystery.
Forgive us for our human impulses, and change us:
Awaken us to your blinding glory,
Confound us by your love,
Shower us with grace so that we can be made new,
Recreated in your image,
Grateful for all we cannot know.
In the name of Christ, who brought us closer to you, we pray. Amen.

From the Roots of Life Prayers, June 19, 2016



Gail Mehlan
June 2, 2016
(Some italicized portion taken from journals dated 2009)

Blessing and Curses

Deuteronomy 30:19-20

"It was so eerie that day.  I had decided to go for a walk in the early evening and it was so extremely quiet.  I could hear the birds singing and the breeze blowing gently.  Even though I was listening to music, I heard no airplanes overhead or traffic sounds from the highway. It was breathtakingly quiet and it was a beautiful.  I needed to walk off the emotion of this horrific day.  The quiet came from the president’s order of no flights due to the nature of the attack on our country. 

The United States of America, a country that I have been so proud to be a citizen of, has come under attack.  My immediate family is safe and we have all been in contact with everyone. It is a day I will not soon forget." from my journal, 9/11/2001
 

September 11, 2015
I can't believe that it's been 14 years.  This event took place the first year I was back in the public schools teaching in a Bilingual classroom.  I was listening to the broadcast in Spanish on the radio on the way to school because I was practicing my Spanish for a state exam to get my temporary teaching license to teach in a Bilingual environment. I was amazed that I understood what they had said, yet I thought I was mistaken until I arrived at school and saw the news on the TV.

Since that day, I have experienced an overwhelming number of losses and also so many joys!  I have had curses and blessings!
And I don't want to go back, yet, when I do....I see how far I've, we've come! 

God promised me "blessings" and "curses"...I remember the day I sat in the church office discussing this with my spiritual counselor as I was heartbroken over choices my teenage son was making.
He told me to "choose life".  Life for myself and "life" in what I chose to do to deal with the situation. 

I hadn't thought about this in many years, but when I came across this verse the other day, it reminded me of that day...."choose life".

"This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses.
Now, choose life so that you and your children may live." Deuteronomy 30:19-20.

I think this is what I did and do after each curse I'm faced with and this is what we did after 9/11/2001.  The country, New York City and all of us, continued to choose life and to celebrate the lives that were lost. In retrospect we can see the blessings from the dark places our lives have taken us. We see the gifts, and if we don't, we need to look harder, because they are there.  We will never forget because if we do, we will never see how far we have come.

Blessings and life to you all today as we reflect on the last 14 years and the horrific act that changed our world view.

Isaiah 61:1-3
"....to give them a crown of beauty instead of ashes."

July 30, 2004

I am feeling more, sharing more, sharing my feelings...or at least trying to. I am today seeing Mike's problem in a different light. How deep the pain and problems of addiction go! Deep! Mike is in much pain, physical and emotional. How did this happen? I don't know. How did I not see the problem? I don't know. Mike was a little child- a baby- trying on a life style that sucked him in and spat him out- lost, lonely, afraid, and addicted. I grieve for the lost innocence of my child, Michael. I know he wanted me to write a book about how my life might have been different. He gave me a title, "Among the Sunflowers". I wonder....was he really thinking of my life or was he speculating that he could somehow be something different, or not even exist, if I had my life to live over again?
But, you know, I doubt that I would have made any different choices along the way. There was never a doubt in my mind that Mike's life was valuable. I gave him my all and would do it again. Now, today, I just give him to my Lord and God to care for him, to love him, and to somehow break down these walls of addiction, self-pity and anger. As his mom, I am completely powerless now...I NEVER had any power over it. I cannot go back and live a different life...nor would I want to. My life is good....I pray for Mike to find a "new life" in Christ! Somehow....some way....a miracle perhaps!