Thoughts from One Year Ago

I've just been reading, thinking, and processing my thoughts today...after all these months of retirement I haven't even begun to organize my thoughts and ideas for the book that sits in my heart...

"Among the Sunflowers"...


Instead I keep waiting for that one next thing...

I keep thinking I will move to Indiana and in my new house, I'll have a wonderful office with space to work on my projects and my book...but instead, I put it off. (Even though I have a nice little room in this house for just that purpose. ) 

I came across something I'd written in 2002! (Is it even possible that it's been so long?)  At that time I had been given the idea for a book from my son. I wrote:

"Is going into the space and time of another life passing judgement on the life that I have now?  That what is, is not enough?  Again, striving for more...for a richer experience? I don't know.

...My goal today is to live the life placed before me...to somehow grow and be all that God has granted me to be...in this space and place I call home, with the people who are here with me now.

Can I live "among the sunflowers"...(the suggested title for my book).....today? NOW?  In my life as it is at this very moment?"

We put in a bid on a home in Cicero, Indiana at Christmas time.  It is a short sale and we are in a period of waiting to hear from the bank.  We were told that the bank requires that the property be listed on an online auction site and be open for other bidders prior to accepting or rejecting our offer.

We are, of course, very frustrated by this latest turn of events...however, we are not going to give up on the idea. So today, I have been very unsettled thinking about waiting for 2 more weeks before the auction even starts.

Today I began reading through some of my writings so that I don't end the day feeling like I've wasted the here and now...and I read my very own words.

"Perhaps what I'm being called to do is simply see the situations of my life..all from a different point of view, not "start anew" but start with a "new view" and a different understanding.  Perhaps that is what "Among the Sunflowers" will evolve into. Only God knows."

Sometimes the answer is simply, "Wait."

There is no work in life 

so hard as waiting, 

and yet I say, wait...

Wait, and be not afraid.

God Calling p. 38-39

And so I wait...on the house and God's will for us there...and I try to stay open so that I can be moved...maybe to write...

I go forward!

P.S.  We won the online auction for the house and moved in here in October.  Now to stay open to the writing that's been on my heart for over 10 years!

Words are Inadequate to Express a Grandmother's Love

"When a loving child is by you, is the nearness only 

that you provide protection and help for that little one?

Rather, too, that in that little child you may find joy and 

cheer and comfort it its simplicity, its love, its trust.

So, too, it is in your power to comfort and 

bring joy to my heart."

- God Calling

July 27, 2013

What a perfect reading for me today! I looked at it and read it and tears began to form in my eyes as I heard Matt say, "Mom, are you up? Nina won't go back to sleep!"

So I open my arms and bring Nina close to my chest and breathe in her baby smell and feel
her chubby little hands reach up for my face as she breaks into a huge smile and crinkles up her nose. (Maybe it's my stinky morning breath, but she doesn't seem to mind much!)

It's true that being in the presence of a little one who loves you and adores you is so special.  It is love in its most basic and simple form...pure joy in your presence! I am blessed to be here with precious Nina, Matt and Amanda.  I think through my relationships with children in general and through these relationships...I have seen and known God, and because of that, I understand how God feels about me.

God is never too busy to answer the questions, (Grandma, why....?) (Grammi....) God shows no lack of patience for me as I continually seek the answers. I hope God has that "grandmotherly" patience for me. It seems like I have more patience now as a grandma than I did as a mom.  It swells up inside me and washes over me..."life is too short!"  and..."the moments pass so quickly".

I'm devouring every minute I am with these precious ones of mine.  I am sure God is his or her own way, too, devours each moment that we spend in His presence.

The feelings come and go and words are inadequate to express the love and joy I feel during the "times" I have.  I may not even have time to record them or even process them
because I am "in" them and they run trough me as my own life's blood.

Thank you, Lord, for this day and these moments!

My "Sunflower" Moments

There's no wasting time in Spain...it's all important and precious!

From my journal.... while I was visiting in Segovia, Spain, May 18, 2014

I can't believe how fast the days are flying by here.  Now I'm starting to feel a bit more relaxed and the emotions about the passing away of my Spanish papá feel so real and close today.
I decided to walk up the highway towards the "parador".  It was only about 3km up to the area where they have such beautiful views of the entire city of Segovia.

From there, you can see the "acueducto", the cathedral, the "muralla" (walls of the city), the castle, (Alcázar)...all of it in eye's view.  A picture doesn't really do it justice. It's really so much more beautiful in real time.

As I was looking out over the scenic view at the cathedral of Segovia, I saw a very large bird fly in front of the view and begin to fly towards me high in the sky.  It was black and white with a huge wing span and I immediately had a thought that I wanted to ask papá, "¿Cómo se dice el nombre de este pájaro en español?"

It was a stork. I had remembered the type of bird, but I couldn't remember the word in Spanish.  How frustrated and sad I felt that I couldn't turn to papá and ask him.  He taught me so many things, just as my own father had...about the birds, the flowers, the stories from all the towns we visited.  I stood there looking at the views with those majestic-looking birds swooping and diving through the sky in front of me and I cried.

They say that people we love visit us in nature.  Just like the other day when a butterfly painting of papa's fell out of a stack of old letters and pictures we were looking at.  I knew at that moment that his spirit was there...in me and around me.  I just felt his presence so strongly as I looked out over beautiful Segovia.  I saw it as he did, a beautiful painting, something to behold and treasure.

All of a sudden, I knew! It came to me like that, a thought, an answer! Papá told me the name of the bird in Spanish, "una cigüeña"! A stork! The birds that make their nests in the bell towers of the churches.  He was still there answering my questions...giving me love and care...his "hija americana".

One of Papa's Paintings of Segovia

Just Love 2015

I'm so lucky today...I'm sitting in a beautiful home, in my very own warm office...looking out of a window at beautiful trees shimmering with ice in the light of the sun. There are even a few birds out there flying around looking for something to eat. An amazing sight! 

No, I'm not looking at sunflowers unless you count the silk ones that have multiplied on the shelves of my office, gifts of love from dear friends and former co-workers. Of course, I have sunflowers surrounding me in this place! I am beginning this new year in a new home. I have received the gift of a place and a space to write. So today I begin again.  I have been feeling such urging from the Spirit to write more, to continue, to let it out...and so here we go again in 2015.

It has been a morning of re-reading last year's journal for inspiration and that is always dangerous.  It always brings up so many thoughts, fears, frustrations and anxious moments.
But today it brought me to a new word for the New Year.  LOVE.

I have for the last few years, been choosing a word to focus on in the new year instead of making many resolutions.  I always make the same resolutions every year, anyway, and sometimes I achieve them, and sometimes I don't.  This year I choose to focus on "love".

There are several reasons why I chose this word.  In June, I was reading the book, Carry on Warrior by Glennon Melton, author of the "Momastery" blog.   http://momastery.com/blog/  She wrote of God doing something amazing to each one of us by putting a bit of him/herself in each of us. She writes of God speaking to her and saying, "Now listen, because this is important: when you were born, I put a piece of myself in you, like an indestructible, brilliant diamond.  I placed a part of me in you...that part of the very essence of you, in fact...is me, it is LOVE. It is perfect and it is untouchable. No one can take it, and you can't give it away.  It is the truest, deepest part of you, the part that will someday return to me. You are love." 

I like the idea of having a piece of God (Jesus), love, in me--indestructible, brilliant, LOVE.
It seems so simple, so easy. I don't have to keep trying so hard! God is already there!

I then read an entry from August of 2013, not long before the wedding of my son, Matt and his wife, Amanda. We had been talking about and planning the wedding service and I had asked Matt what he believed in and he said, "I believe in love." My son and I were on different wave lengths about readings for the wedding. He and Amanda had chosen non-Biblical readings and I was trying to keep my thoughts to myself! I know that my son's faith is different from mine and he wanted his ceremony to be original and reflect his own beliefs.  

I had been looking for something to give me inspiration, because sometimes God speaks to me and reassures me that all is well through verses in the Bible. Suddenly I come across a verse from 1 John 4:7 just a few days before the wedding..."Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.  Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.  Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." 

God had given "me" a verse, to reassure me that He is love and a ceremony reflecting "love" reflected Him.

And so in re-reading my journals, my word for this year has come alive...
To focus on one word for a year helps keep me on track.

More and more I am finding that "love" is much more that a feeling. It is also an action, a decision, a project, a task.  Not always easy or fun. So if God is love, and I have love in me, then those actions will be something I can focus on doing this year.

"That's one of the things about LOVE. It doesn't recognize boundaries and never obeys the rules we try to give it."  Bob Goff in Love Does

I have made a list of people to love this year!
-husband (Doug)
-children (grandchildren, orphans, school children)
-elderly (Mom, Herb)
-foreigners
-poor
-those in prison
-enemies
-neighbors(New!)

Where will love take me in this year?

" Love does whatever it takes to multiply itself and somehow along the way everyone becomes a part of it. You know why? Because that's what love does." Bob Goff, Love Does