Sense of Control Given Over

"As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit." - Emmanuel Teney  

It has been a long road for me to get to that very point. That point of  feeling that I "no longer need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will".  I believe that to be true, but have continued with questions, doubts and concerns about the changes that I face at work, changes also in my personal life, health and struggles in parenting my adult children. (I think that is more difficult for me than parenting young children!)

Yesterday a sixth grade student came into my room to give me a card as we approach the end of the school year.  She is a former student who I taught for 3 years in the Bilingual Resource Room, and then she ultimately transitioned out of the program.  She wrote me the nicest note about how I taught her English and helped her to get good grades.  It really touched me and filled me with emotion.  I rarely get that kind of feedback from students about my work! It is for those kinds of tiny moments that I do what I do!  It was also the boost I needed at that moment to motivate me to go back into the Resource Room and do what I can do to be the best teacher I can be in that role!

Oswald Chambers in "My Utmost for His Highest" (6/3) said:

"Have we let God tell us His joys? Are we so intimately united to Jesus Christ's idea of prayer..."Your will be done." (Matt 6:10)  that we catch the secrets of God?  What makes God so dear to us is not so much His big blessings to us, but the tiny things, because they show his amazing intimacy with us---He know every detail of each of our individual lives."

The card was a "tiny thing".  It carried a profound spiritual message to me, from God.

"You have a gift, use your gift and your love to do My will for you.  You are a good and faithful teacher."

Thank you, Lord, for coming to me in the "tiny things".  A beautiful sunset that Doug and I shared looking at the same sky while talking on the cell phone, a smile from Jack, a hug from Mike. Thank you!

As I face yet another challenge this week, surgery to add a lead to my pacemaker, I read from Ephesians a wonderful promise:

"I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the wonderful future He has promised to those He has called."   Ephesians 1:18

Sad Sunflower Moments

Is it possible to be so sad and grieving and at the same time to feel loved and welcome?  Why was is so hard to say goodbye yesterday to a wonderful friend who is finally at peace, with God, watching us from above as we shared  our memories?  At the same time it felt so good to all be together to be a part of his memorial. I give God so many "Thanks" for the life of my friend, Steve, who passed away on April 21, 2009, after a struggle with cancer.  

I marvel at the privilege I was given to know such a wonderful group of people who all gathered yesterday to celebrate his life.  I wonder how it came to be that I have had the honor to have known this man, who was such a good person to the core, and how God worked to arrange my life to intertwine with his in unsuspected ways almost 30 years ago. Life and death are mysteries to me.  

As my friend said to me yesterday, we take life on faith.  There exists that power, the power of God.  When we allow that power to lead our lives, strange and wonderful relationships, fun, memories and experiences shape our days and can bring us such wonder.  I believe it is that power that brought me into that group of life-long friends.  I thank God for that.  I thank God for welcoming Steve home into a better place.  Someday I'll see him again.

Could I have had a sunflower moment yesterday amongst my dear friends while we were grieving?  

Could it be that the special moments and relationships became clearer as we celebrated in sorrow?  I believe it was a sunflower moment for me.  

Struggling

Today I was singing along with the congregation at church the song, "Worthy is the Lamb".

Alleluia, Alleluia

Our Lord God Almighty reigns

It goes on and on and we repeated the lines over and over again like a prayer...

Worthy is the lamb, worthy is the lamb

You are holy, you are holy

I was so caught up in the music that I began to imagine myself walking in the shoes of Abraham. A parent who was given an order by God to take his own son, his only son, up on to the top of a mountain and offer him as a sacrifice to God.

I imagined myself trying to lift my burdens up to the top of a mountain, to push them, cajole them, drag them up to the top of that mountain fulling intending and trying to give them over to God. I was struggling so with the image of me trying to do that.  I used every power known to me, physical power, mental power and the power of prayer.  I actually felt the burden of this struggle in my physical body.

I was on the verge of actually making some progress in heaving this heavy, limp, reluctant burden up and over to God....but just at that moment the lamb appeared...

Worthy is the lamb, worthy is the lamb

For you are Holy, you are Holy!

So the lamb appears. He is the lamb.  The risen Christ is the lamb, offered by God, so that Abraham didn't have to sacrifice his son, and neither do I have to struggle so to get those burdens of mine up and over a mountain.

The struggle is over for me.  I cannot drag my burdens to God as a sacrifice using my own powers of control, physical strength and fortitude, sheer effort and the constant struggling. The Lamb has arrived to take their place. The struggle is over.  I can only pray ....and thank God for the lamb.

Worthy is the lamb, worthy is the lamb

For He is holy, holy!

I ask God for the power to do what He would have me do.  And give thanks for the sacrificial lamb that takes the place of the burdens I try to carry.  Mostly unsuccessfully, I might add.

I ask God for the power to carry out His will for me.

Step 11:

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Genesis 20: 16-18

"This is what the Lord says: Because you have obeyed me and have not withheld even your beloved son, I swear by my own self that I will bless you richly."

It came to me along time ago...

I had this vision about 5 years ago...and it was very meaningful to me.  I came across a written copy of it amongst some papers that I was cleaning out.  It has powerful images for me today as it did 5 years ago.

I had to fight off thoughts of school and home briefly and finally a sense of peace and calm and floating came to me.  I still felt pain in my shoulder but I didn't fight it, but accepted that it was an injury that existed.  "I am not my body" kept coming to me, so I was able to detach for a few moments from the physical part of me that often carries pain.  I felt very relaxed and open.

I imagine that I am sitting in Segovia, Spain...looking over the beautiful landscape from high up on the road.  I see the ancient "acueducto", the cathedral, the mountains in the distance.  I walk down a rugged dry dirt path to a small square, patio or plaza...alone there is no one there.  I sit on a small metal chair.  I sense beauty and peace, yet I do not notice details.  A figure dressed all in white appears, Christ himself, as I recognize him.  He approaches me and hands me a beautiful, whole, bright red  heart and gently places it in my hands.  He places his hands over mine around the heart and gives me a reassuring squeeze.  As he turns to leave, he looks me squarely in the eyes with confidence.  No words are spoken.  There is just the feeling of peace, healing and serenity.

Why did I find these thoughts, images, feelings written down, today?

I need to remember that Christ himself brings me a whole, unbroken, beautiful heart.  That he reaches out for me with his hands and reassures me.  That he looks me squarely in the eyes and without saying a word, gives me confidence.

This is powerful for me.  I am  prayerful and meditative today.  Wanting so much for life to be good, instead of taking life on life's terms.  Realizing that only Christ has the power to heal me, my broken heart, my eyes that don't see.

Early Morning Moments

I am in Indiana visiting my daughter and her husband and our little grandson, Jack.  I had the pleasure of staying with Jack all day yesterday while my daughter went to work.  It was a pleasant day, a flash-back to my days as a stay at home mom! I went for a walk with the baby and the dog, did some laundry, threw some dishes in the dishwasher, gave Jack a bath, clipped his fingernails, fed him some cereal and Cheerios, etc...quite a fun time!  It was fun, low-key and truly a peaceful, uncomplicated day for me.

This morning I woke up at 5:30 am to Jack crying in his bed.  I went in to check on him and met Michelle in the nursery.  She said she had just fed Jack and didn't know why he was fussy.  I picked him up and discovered he was all wet! I changed him and told Michelle to go back to bed.  I brought him back to bed with me!

It's funny how a baby is made to fit so nicely together with his grandmother. We snuggled together and he offered me his "paci" (pacifier).  He wiggled and kicked for about 20 minutes, but didn't cry at all.  Suddenly, Kozmo, the dog, jumped up on the bed with us and Jack had to sit up to see what the commotion was all about! He loves his "puppy"!  Finally, Jack began to relax and doze off.  Kozmo was snuggled up to my hip side and Jack was softly relaxing upon my arm on the other side.  I believe I was in "Grandma Heaven".

It was one of my very special "Sunflower moments"! I was holding my precious grandson, snuggling with the dog, watching the sun come up and in through the window and listening to the birds in the backyard.  I felt tears of joy and gratitude well up in my eyes and drip slowly down onto the pillow.  I was created for moments like these. Precious times that all too quickly pass unnoticed.  I noticed today and I am grateful for the experience.  

Thanks be to God for creating me for such moments of joy and bliss under His care.

Revelation

To Something...

"We will be guided into understanding what we need to do to take care of ourselves.  We will begin to trust our instincts, our feelings, our thoughts.

We will know when to go, to stop, to wait.  We will learn to great truth:

The plan will happen in spite of us, not because of us.

I pray today an each day that my thoughts, words and actions may be divinely led. I pray that I can move forward in confidence knowing my steps are guided."

-Melody Beattie The Language of Letting Go (2/11)

"Why are we terrified for God to speak to us?  Because we know that when God speaks we must either do what He asks or tell Him we will not obey." 

-Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest (2/11)

Strangely, lately, the thought of a change has been filtering into my mind. I am confused by it.  This is especially true when it comes on the job front. I truly felt called to serve at Fox School, brought here out of the blue, fulfilling a life-long dream of mine to work in the public schools and to be a bilingual teacher.

As I pulled into the parking lot yesterday I was listening to a song by Third Day called "Revelation":

Give me a revelation,

Show me what to do

Cause I've been trying to find my way,

I haven't got a clue

Tell me should I stay here,

Or do I need to move

Give me a revelation

I've got nothing without You

I've got nothing without You

I'm not sure of the exact words, but as I got into the car at the end of the day, I heard the very same exact song again as I was pulling out...and it freaked me out.

Tell me should I stay here,

Or do I need to move?

I recall a foggy early morning drive in to the Fox School parking lot several years ago, when I was frustrated with the situation at Fox and I had asked about other positions in the district because I felt the pressure of the position. 

As I drove into the parking lot there was a certain glow around the gigantic pine tree in the driveway and the sun was shining through the fog onto that tree in such a beautiful way and I remember thinking, "This is a sign from God".

I stayed and weathered the trials and it has been good!  Now I am feeling those strange vibes of something calling me, a change, I need a revelation.

Give me a revelation

I've got nothing without You

I've got nothing without You

I move today with the certainty that my steps are Divinely guided!  I am listening! I just need to know if the call is truly from God.

And I wonder at how the "inkling" of change whispers to me in the words of a song and I wonder at how You, Lord, prepare me and get me ready for "real" change.  I felt that  "twinge" of discontent, heard a song, and have given myself an attitude adjustment.  My principal will leave at the end of this school year.

Tell me should I stay here

Or do I need to move?

Perhaps the change I felt was simply this. I still need the discernment and wisdom that only God can give me, help and love, I need patience for the transition, love for the kids, and stamina to keep learning and growing as a teacher!

"And the only way to live an undefeated life is to live looking to God"

-Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest 3/6

So I go today and face You,

look to You,

and live

undefeated

unflapped by change

dedicated

full of Your spirit

in me

moving me

loving me!

I go, I do, but always,

like a sunflower,

face fixed on the sun

I turn

and look

 to YOU

the source

of all my 

strength,

energy

and 

POWER!

-Gail Mehlan 3/6/09

More Sunflower Moments

Today I have my grandson here and Mike, Kimmy, Michelle, Brian, Kozmo, the dog, and it is busy, busy, busy!  But my son, Matt, is still in NYC and not here with us.  It is his 27th birthday today!  I can hardly believe that I have a 27 year old child!  I hope he is celebrating safely and happily where he is!  I am having a "sunflower moment" looking at my grandson, Jack, and noticing that he looks a great deal like Matt did as a baby!  

This brings me to some awesome memories and thoughts of gratitude for life, moving forward, and I'm here to enjoy the moments!  Happy Birthday Matt! Have a great day! I loved you the moment you were born, and I love you even more now!  Take care of your precious life!