Mother's Day

Finding a Note

Tucked in my devotional book, a hand written note is there. Written on a piece of "grocery list" paper with a sunflower on it, I receive a note. It is written with childlike writing, printing, and the spelling is surprisingly correct!

"Dear Mom,

All you do for me is so greatly appreciated and I can never express how grateful I am."

My 23 year old son, an adult man in body only, still waiting for the maturity of a "man" to develop in him. I wait, I watch, but mostly I pray for him!

Lord, take care of him, draw him close to you again. Cleanse him from his sins, ....forgive him. He is my son, I love him. Now, he is in YOUR hands. AMEN

I am sitting here "thinking", knowing in my heart intuitively that even if there are troubles ahead for for my son, that if I am lost in my own obsessive thinking and all the excuses, lies and disappointments that are all signs, I must turn my focus away from that. I am simply having a relapse of thought.

"It's grace and mercy you give me..."

Today I refuse to ask questions. I put my doubts aside, I move on. I have a life to live, too. A good one....I have been blessed. I can extend God's grace and mercy only through the power given to me.

"I wouldn't have my life without u and even now I wouldn't survive.

Your son, with love"

I have had my Mother's Day card! I chose to take those words at face value, trusting with hope that they are based on love. I trust the love that I feel. I thank the Lord for it!

I go...face the day...one moment at a time.

"And when people escape from the wicked ways of the world by learning about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and then get tangled up with sin and become its slave again, they are worse off than before. It would be better if they had never known the right way to live, than to know it and then reject the hold commandments that were given to them. They make these proverbs come true: "A dog returns to it vomit" and "A washed pig returns to the mud."

2 Peter 2:20-22

Whose problem is it?

"It's not your problem", God replied.

I haven't posted in a while...don't know why. It seems like the year is already spinning out of control and rushing forward! I haven't had a moment to catch my breath since the new year began. WOW! Today I have a quiet few moments of peace here.

I am waiting for my son to come home so we can take care of some errands with him, gas in the car, oil change, groceries, laundry in the mean time...dinner, etc. It will be busy! I am anxious to see him and hope he is okay, for today! When I ponder how he will ever find a way to live life on his own, when I wonder, "Will he ever get a job?" When I ask myself, will he become a "productive" member of society? I know I am walking into dangerous thinking territory! Dangerous! A friend of mine posted the lyrics to a song, entitled, "I AM" on a website forum. The chorus says:

"It's not your problem!" God replied!

Now that's a good one, it's definitely NOT my problem, is it? And when I make it my problem, it shows a lack of faith in the POWER of the almighty to do anything. Nothing is impossible with God! I think I needed to hear that today!

Thoughts swirling through my head about what changes will be made in my work situation for next year. Wanting to have things worked out and running smoothly. So many changes! Good friends leaving and moving to different schools. Teachers being shuffled around and moved. Assistants who are like my right and left hand, will not be with me again. It is so difficult to face these changes. I'm feeling the confusing and frustrating thoughts of doubt. Will it all work out?

Then there's that chorus again:

"It's not your problem!" God replied!

I'd better go now...listen to what God is saying to me. Cast all my thoughts upon Him and rest in His care.

I am NOT God! Thankfully, none of these problems are mine to deal with! Thank YOU very much! I needed to hear that reply today, God. TODAY!

A New Year is about to Begin!

"You shall not go out in haste...for the Lord will go before you, and the God of Israel will be your rear guard."  Isaiah 52:12

It is reassuring to know that I can move forward from the past into the future knowing God will be there to step into the New Year with me. That is reassuring for sure. The thought that I "shall not go out in haste" makes me think that I ought to ponder the events of 2009...for I know that God allows the memories of the past to be a ministry of spiritual growth for my future. Let's see what I have in my memory for 2009 and what the lessons have been...

My heart is weak and broken....even though I have tried to take care of myself, I didn't do the best I could for my heart. I needed a pacemaker and additional surgery to add a third wire to the device this year (2009). My life has been restored and I have learned that I am completely in the hands of God with regards to this. He has given me a new chance to live through the hands of a competent surgeon and the marvels of technology.

"And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart." Ezekiel 36:26

My attitudes about my work situation reflect a stubborn unmoving attitude. I have been assigned to teach a resource room again this year after two years away from that position. I am sharing a room with another teacher and have felt intruded upon and for some reason, not respected. It has been difficult to adjust to the new situation. I keep trying, but somehow I can't seem to get it right. One day I realized that the situation was just a situation, and that my own attitude about it was making it more difficult for myself! I have to look at the positives in each situation and try to keep my attitude positive and not resentful. I constantly think about what's right for kids, what we offer them...how we help them! It is always a challenge. Once I changed my outlook, the situation got a bit better and well...the year is almost half over now!

"I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has laid hold of me." Phillippians 3:12

I am still struggling with the letting go ...letting go of the worries....the fear of addictions....the misuse of money....why am I so judgemental? I do not have "perfect" children, spouse or relatives! It is a crisis mostly of my own making. My thoughts and fears are my own worst enemy. I see the effects of alcohol flowing all around me and it is hard to just let go of all of it. But I must. God is in control. I can trust Him. My love for my family is strong, but my focus must be on the Lord.

“And if it seems evil to you to serve the LORD, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.” Joshua 24:15

I was faced this year with some care-giving issues. My mom has had several incidences of her heart going into an irregular rhythm. I have been up in Wisconsin with her, taking care of her and helping her to get situated on medication that will stabilize things. It has been a process, but she is doing well, for now. It made me think that I need to "take care of my family" in many ways, this has always been my mission in life. Sometimes, I feel like I haven't done a very good job of "taking care".

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house there are many rooms...I am going to prepare a place for you." John 14:1-3

There are many rooms, that is reassuring. There will be a place for me, for my family, for mom, for my children, my family....all of us...mended hearts, lost souls, complacent followers, old, young, ALL of us. I will do my very best to care for all, but most of all I will entrust them to God.

The most recent moment of spiritual growth for me this year was staying close to my dear friend as she died and went home to be with Jesus on Thanksgiving Day. I tried to be by her side as much as I possibly could and to share in her last days without intruding upon the family. I think it was a difficult, but special time for me. Always November, always gray, cold and dismal. I struggled with the feelings of thanksgiving during those weeks that passed as her life just faded away. But in the end, I have learned to be thankful for all of the experiences that I had with my friend and for the life that she lived so courageously as she battled breast cancer. I was thankful that she was finally at peace. She was a fighter...and a loving friend. I miss her.

"No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." Thessalonians 5:18

Today my family left to go back home to their lives and I was left with a dirty house and a stack of dishes to be washed, and piles of laundry to do. Yet, the leaving of grandson, Jack, made me sad. He is so precious and his life brings me such joy! As I washed his little hand prints off of my windows and packed up the toys till next time, I just thought about how much joy he brings to our lives! Yes, it is chaotic and busy when they are all here! But it is family, and it is precious! He changes so much each time I see him. Today I asked him who I was and he said, "My Na"!

I was tickled. Jack has taught be that there is no greater gift than a life developing before my eyes, that I have been blessed with a loving family! I am very thankful! I have seen a little bit of the kingdom of God!

"But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these." Luke 18:16

I go forward now into the New Year, unafraid, knowing that whatever I face this year, I will walk with God through it all. I make no resolutions, I only hold out my hand to the One who created me and trust that all will be well.

"Leave the broken, irreversible past in His hands, and step out into the invincible future with Him."
Oswald Chambers

Can I give Thanks in all Circumstances?

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thess. 5:16-18

In the end...

Tomorrow it will be Thanksgiving Day. I am packed and ready to leave to go and visit my daughter, her husband and our precious grandson Jack, in Indiana. I ought to feel happy and excited, but instead I am finding myself feeling resentful and sad today.

I have a dear friend who is dying. This simple thought makes me angry and resentful and very, very sad. I wish there was something that I could do. I have been thinking about this verse from Thessalonians 5:16-18. "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you..."

In ALL circumstances, Lord, in ALL? As I watch my friend struggle for each breath and heard her moan with the pain and the frustration of cancer...I question the advice. Give thanks in all circumstances? Are you kidding me? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Come on!

I'm not feeling it! I have angry feelings...like why? What good can possibly come out of this struggle that she is facing now. I kept telling her to be "strong and courageous", and not "afraid"...that "God is with you wherever you go!" (Joshua 1:9) But today I am not feeling like it settles well. For what? This is just so hard to watch. Today I am leaving to go see my grandson, the light of my life. I will be with people who I love and people who need me to share this day of thanks with them. Yet in spite of that my heart is breaking for the family of my dear friend...and I don't know how to be "thankful in all circumstances" with this aura of sadness and fear of death surrounding me today.

My prayer today is: Lord, help me find ways to be thankful for all of the many blessings you have bestowed upon me. One of the wonderful blessings has been the life of my friend, who is suffering right now. When I look at it that way, I can see a thin sparkle of "thankfulness" breaking through the darkness that I feel right now.

I am so very thankful for my friend. We have been friends for a very long time. She came into my life because of the friendship between her daughter and mine when they were in first grade at Churchill School. Her daughter was in my Brownie Scout troop and they played together often. She was always there for me to assist with whatever I needed and to help me with my younger boys while I was busy with the girls. We had numerous outings with the kids over the years, up to the lake, biking to a nearby restaurant for lunch, shared birthday parties, creating playhouses out of boxes, sitting at many baseball games together, walking in the mornings for exercise....then the trouble started for her. Her marriage fell apart and she moved out of our neighborhood. We remained friends and would touch base with each other about once every month or so, just to stay connected. She has struggled with finances and job changes over the years, but always stayed positive. When she discovered she had breast cancer, I tried to be there for her when I could and she seemed to pull through it. Our daughters friendships changed and so did ours, but we always stayed close and I always knew she cared about me. She has been a faithful friend. After thinking about all of that, I know that I am thankful for her life and the time that we had together. We have some wonderful memories! I am thankful that I can be present for her, at least a little bit, in the last few weeks. I am praying for a miracle for her today, Lord, a miracle.

I have observed her children, Lord, as they have gathered around her to love and support her in the last few weeks. They have truly been amazing and loving! You have sent so many loving friends and family members by to see her and love her. I know she has been loved by so many. For that I am thankful as well. She always was searching for the "love of her life"...and that always seemed to elude her in the romantic sense of the word, but in the sense of "love", she has it all...her 3 children, friends, and family have rallied around for support and encouragement.

So, I go now, too, with an attitude of LOVE and THANKSGIVING...for my friend, for love and for the hope that soon she will be free from the sickness that cancer has brought upon her.

I was out walking this AM and heard this song from the David Crowder Band. It expresses my hopes for my friend as she faces the end of her life.

In The End (Oh Resplendent Light) :

In the end when all of this is gone

And all that's living has moved on

The sun and moon will finally set

The wind will lay the seas to rest

In the end when all our souls will rise

All the nations, all the sides

Will feel the need for that dark place

For I and thee in His embrace

In His shadow there is peace

In His arms there is rest

In His word there is hope

In His hands there is grace

In the end, no hurting

In the end, no yearning

In the end, no suffering

No sadness or pain

In the end

To the end when all of this is gone

And all that's living has moved on

The sun and moon will rise and set

The wind will bring the seas to rest

To the end when all our souls will rise

All the nations, all the sides

Will feel the need for this dark place

For I am loved and this is His embrace

In His shadow there is peace

In His arms there is rest

In His word there is hope

In His hands there is grace

To the end, there's hurting

To the end, there's yearning

To the end, there's suffering

You're waiting and waiting

Oh to the end...

Oh to the end...

When it's dark

Souls will shine

When it's dark

We will rise

We were made to live forever...

We were made to live forever...

We will live to live forever...

We will live to live forever...

In the end what it all boils down to is LOVE. I believe that my friend has been loved like she wanted to be. She is a special person and I am still praying for a miracle!

Proverbs 17:17 
A friend loves at all times...

Reaching for those "moments"!

On my grandson's first birthday, my daughter purchased some sunflowers at the farmer's market to decorate the house for the big first birthday party.  Jack was so enthralled with the flowers! He wanted to touch them, grab them and play with them as if they were balloons or balls!  It was so cute!  It made me think of how I view the sunflower "moments" of my own life.

To me, as I'm sure I've stated in earlier comments, the sunflower moments of my life are those that make me feel calm, that make me direct my face to the source of light.  For the sunflowers it is the light of the sun, but for me, the sunflower moments that I experience are those times when I feel the presence of God with me...when I look to the light of God's presence and truly notice it and bask in the remarkable feeling of peace that it brings to me.  Most often when I experience one of these moments, it's not something that I strive for, but rather it just happens.  When it happens, I am aware of God's love and presence and I turn to Him and acknowledge His love.  

I had an experience like that today when I was so frustrated with the comments made by another teacher that I wanted to just quit and give up...so I walked away, and I really wanted to LEAVE!  But I didn't, I just walked away and tried to calm down, go easy, and relax.   Later on, another coworker of mine who was there at the time spoke with me briefly and made me feel so much better and reassured me that we would all work it out.  I knew God was present there and I felt the peace that He brings me and yes, in just a few moments, my face was turned in the right direction.

When I saw Jack reaching for the sunflowers on the table at his birthday party, I snapped the picture! Now when I look at it, it reminds me to reach for the sunflower moments and enjoy them, savor them, and realize that they come from God alone! 

John 1:5

"The light shines through the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it."

Up at the Lake

When I was just ten years old, my parents purchased a piece of property on a small lake in Wisconsin named "Clear Lake".  The water in the lake was so clear at that time that you could see all the way to the bottom of the lake in all but the deepest water.  It was crystal clear and beautiful.  

Through the years my family visited the lake often...almost every weekend.  We started by cutting paths through the brush and trees to make paths and we set up a tent in a small clearing.  There was always so much work to do...cutting down the brush and small trees, putting in a well and a little outhouse in the woods.  We cooked over an open fire and a hibachi grill and swam in the lake at a beach down the way.  My dad purchased an aluminum boat and some oars and my sisters and I would go out in the boat for hours, singing camp songs and enjoying the lake.  I caught my first fish at Clear Lake and even once a large snapping turtle.  One summer I collected 21 frogs in my Girl Scout sweatshirt pocket and brought them back to show my parents.  Finally we let them all go after my dad suggested "frog legs" for a snack!

There are many memories that I have of time spent at Clear Lake. Over the years our little campsite grew into a garage(for storing the camping gear), a garage with a porch and windows(where we stayed instead of the tent), a garage with an addition, kitchen and basement that later evolved into my parents' summer home and in 1986, their retirement home.

"Clear Lake" is what we call the place now.  "Let's go up to Clear Lake" means "Let's go up to Wisconsin and stay at  grandma's home!"  It is so much more than just a beautiful, clear, little lake!  So many memories were made there! Many first fish were caught there, many first boat rides, many wonderful barbecues were cooked, and many card games were played there.(Monopoly also!)  I think that the place, Clear Lake, grew to be so much more than a place for all of us in my family.

Journal from "A Day at the Lake":

This is a beautiful morning!  I am up in Wisconsin at mom's lake house.  It is beautiful as it always is to sit at her kitchen table and look out the window at the lake, to listen to the birds and watch the neighbors fish on the dock.  This is the feeling I want to recreate in a retirement home for us....the same restful healing, loving place of restoration for the soul.  As I think of it, I realize that it is not possible to recreate that feeling away from this place because the feeling comes from the history here, the memories here, the love of family , the joy of exploration, the kids growing up! I know I need to allow God to create for us a new "sanctuary" for our own family, but it is hard to accept that this is possible when the feelings of "home" are so strong for me here!

When I am up at the lake,  my mind always floats to images of the past here- the wonderful yesterdays of my childhood, with mom and dad working so hard to make this a home., the kids playing in the water, learning how to fish, boat , water ski.  Dad's spirit seems to be here sometimes.  I feel it.  I can almost picture him leaning against his rake, looking out on the water.  

I know that my family feels the same way about Clear Lake.  My sister  loves to come and get away from the responsibilities she faces daily and read a book or two, and just  bask in relaxation.  It's extra special when mom takes care of us as well.

My youngest son, Michael wrote a song about Clear Lake.  I'll share the lyrics with you here.  I hope you enjoy it!

Clear Lake by Michael Mehlan (2009)

And if these walls could talk

They'd tell a story

of my family

so candidly.

And it these old trees

could see

They wouldn't understand

what they mean to me.

They share all these things you see

They're loving things

Like a canopy.

It's where me 

and my brother

pretended

We could walk on water.

And out on this lake

Where we escaped

We played in its wake

And on the ice

We skated around 

Each others' advice

We played on this beach

The sandy way

on a sunny day

And if these walls could talk

They'd tell a story

of my family

so candidly.

And if these trees could see

They wouldn't understand

what they mean to me.

But the water will rise

But the water will rise

The water will rise

The water will rise

And consume the fire.

I Don't Like Failure

A little over a year ago, I was diagnosed with Heart Failure.  The official term is Idiopathic Cardiomyopathy which really sounds better to me,  more technical and medical than dealing with any part of me that is a "failure".  It means Heart Failure of an unknown cause. 

You see, I have a problem with failure.  It is not an option for me.  I just really have a hard time accepting failure.  Maybe it's because I am a teacher and the daughter of a teacher and a father who also had high expectations.  I always strove for good grades in school and always did well. It did produce some anxiety for me from time to time, but I always managed to be successful in school.  Now I am a teacher, and when I am dealing with a student who is not doing well, it becomes my mission to help them to do better, to find success somehow.  Failure is not an option.

When I heard that I had Heart Failure, I was truly taken by surprise.  I have taken care of myself most of the time during my life.  I don't smoke, drink excessively, do drugs etc.   I have exercised regularly, watched my weight, seen the doctor regularly.....and my heart is still "failing"!

Throughout the last year I have had two procedures to place a pacemaker and resynchronization device into my heart to help delay the progression of the Heart Failure.  I'm sure I am no different than any other person who has been diagnosed with a life threatening disease.  There needs to be a time of acceptance and dealing with the immediate medical procedures to help me....but failure, that is not something easy for me to take.

Having my body fail me has brought up other thoughts about failure that have weighed heavy on my heart. (literally!)

I have been thinking about parenting children.  I wanted to be a good mom!  I tried everything that I could do to ensure that my children would not fail.  I sent my sister an email one time that had the words "Failure Notice" in the subject title. She responded that she was freaked out thinking the email was coming from one of her boys' schools!  I think we are a lot alike, my sister and I! We both take our children's successes and failures so much to heart.

I remember driving in the car one day, so down because my son had failed almost every class he had taken at college one semester.  I was so down about it....feeling like I myself, had failed. God clearly spoke to me in the silence of the car that day and said to me, "Gail, you did not fail!"  This was not my failure. Somehow I felt like a failure anyway.  That fear of failure or the failure of someone near and dear to me...that it is somehow a reflection on me.  I have such deep seated fears of failure...maybe I have been such a people pleaser that I attempted to control my situations by excelling academically.  That was my way of being "good".

"There are no failures only outcomes". (A quote from a Facebook application) 

When I heard that small voice telling me to "Take care of your family."  I immediately began to look at  all of those painful memories...the areas of my life when I felt like I had failed. Maybe I didn't take care well enough in some situations.  Maybe I have been a failure as a mom.

If you are a good parent, your child ought to turn out "right", right?  When I look at my children's lives, I wonder and I judge, I actually judge them and myself on standards that are not mine to set.  I feel the guilt, what did I do?  Where did I go wrong?

I battle these feelings of failure each and everyday....that some defect in me has been the cause of my perceptions of failure. I don't get it. I don't understand.  But I do know that I am who I am and the story is not over yet for me or for my children.

I know that I have cared for my family and will continue to show them love and respect.  We have had some wonderful family moments and actually only God knows the "rest of the story"! God must have a purpose for my failures.  I believe that He does.  I may not always see what that purpose is, but it is something.  

God's Creatures Never Fail

Today I will accept my Heart Failure as simply a health problem that I am dealing with.  My Heart Failure is not a failure to love or care for the people in my life.  My Heart  Failure is not a lacking of my heart to feel, love and give the best I have to offer. This broken heart of mine can continue to pray for and lift up all of the people I love.  I can intercede for them today by giving them all up to the One who love us all.