Words are Inadequate to Express a Grandmother's Love

"When a loving child is by you, is the nearness only 

that you provide protection and help for that little one?

Rather, too, that in that little child you may find joy and 

cheer and comfort it its simplicity, its love, its trust.

So, too, it is in your power to comfort and 

bring joy to my heart."

- God Calling

July 27, 2013

What a perfect reading for me today! I looked at it and read it and tears began to form in my eyes as I heard Matt say, "Mom, are you up? Nina won't go back to sleep!"

So I open my arms and bring Nina close to my chest and breathe in her baby smell and feel
her chubby little hands reach up for my face as she breaks into a huge smile and crinkles up her nose. (Maybe it's my stinky morning breath, but she doesn't seem to mind much!)

It's true that being in the presence of a little one who loves you and adores you is so special.  It is love in its most basic and simple form...pure joy in your presence! I am blessed to be here with precious Nina, Matt and Amanda.  I think through my relationships with children in general and through these relationships...I have seen and known God, and because of that, I understand how God feels about me.

God is never too busy to answer the questions, (Grandma, why....?) (Grammi....) God shows no lack of patience for me as I continually seek the answers. I hope God has that "grandmotherly" patience for me. It seems like I have more patience now as a grandma than I did as a mom.  It swells up inside me and washes over me..."life is too short!"  and..."the moments pass so quickly".

I'm devouring every minute I am with these precious ones of mine.  I am sure God is his or her own way, too, devours each moment that we spend in His presence.

The feelings come and go and words are inadequate to express the love and joy I feel during the "times" I have.  I may not even have time to record them or even process them
because I am "in" them and they run trough me as my own life's blood.

Thank you, Lord, for this day and these moments!

My "Sunflower" Moments

There's no wasting time in Spain...it's all important and precious!

From my journal.... while I was visiting in Segovia, Spain, May 18, 2014

I can't believe how fast the days are flying by here.  Now I'm starting to feel a bit more relaxed and the emotions about the passing away of my Spanish papá feel so real and close today.
I decided to walk up the highway towards the "parador".  It was only about 3km up to the area where they have such beautiful views of the entire city of Segovia.

From there, you can see the "acueducto", the cathedral, the "muralla" (walls of the city), the castle, (Alcázar)...all of it in eye's view.  A picture doesn't really do it justice. It's really so much more beautiful in real time.

As I was looking out over the scenic view at the cathedral of Segovia, I saw a very large bird fly in front of the view and begin to fly towards me high in the sky.  It was black and white with a huge wing span and I immediately had a thought that I wanted to ask papá, "¿Cómo se dice el nombre de este pájaro en español?"

It was a stork. I had remembered the type of bird, but I couldn't remember the word in Spanish.  How frustrated and sad I felt that I couldn't turn to papá and ask him.  He taught me so many things, just as my own father had...about the birds, the flowers, the stories from all the towns we visited.  I stood there looking at the views with those majestic-looking birds swooping and diving through the sky in front of me and I cried.

They say that people we love visit us in nature.  Just like the other day when a butterfly painting of papa's fell out of a stack of old letters and pictures we were looking at.  I knew at that moment that his spirit was there...in me and around me.  I just felt his presence so strongly as I looked out over beautiful Segovia.  I saw it as he did, a beautiful painting, something to behold and treasure.

All of a sudden, I knew! It came to me like that, a thought, an answer! Papá told me the name of the bird in Spanish, "una cigüeña"! A stork! The birds that make their nests in the bell towers of the churches.  He was still there answering my questions...giving me love and care...his "hija americana".

One of Papa's Paintings of Segovia

Just Love 2015

I'm so lucky today...I'm sitting in a beautiful home, in my very own warm office...looking out of a window at beautiful trees shimmering with ice in the light of the sun. There are even a few birds out there flying around looking for something to eat. An amazing sight! 

No, I'm not looking at sunflowers unless you count the silk ones that have multiplied on the shelves of my office, gifts of love from dear friends and former co-workers. Of course, I have sunflowers surrounding me in this place! I am beginning this new year in a new home. I have received the gift of a place and a space to write. So today I begin again.  I have been feeling such urging from the Spirit to write more, to continue, to let it out...and so here we go again in 2015.

It has been a morning of re-reading last year's journal for inspiration and that is always dangerous.  It always brings up so many thoughts, fears, frustrations and anxious moments.
But today it brought me to a new word for the New Year.  LOVE.

I have for the last few years, been choosing a word to focus on in the new year instead of making many resolutions.  I always make the same resolutions every year, anyway, and sometimes I achieve them, and sometimes I don't.  This year I choose to focus on "love".

There are several reasons why I chose this word.  In June, I was reading the book, Carry on Warrior by Glennon Melton, author of the "Momastery" blog.   http://momastery.com/blog/  She wrote of God doing something amazing to each one of us by putting a bit of him/herself in each of us. She writes of God speaking to her and saying, "Now listen, because this is important: when you were born, I put a piece of myself in you, like an indestructible, brilliant diamond.  I placed a part of me in you...that part of the very essence of you, in fact...is me, it is LOVE. It is perfect and it is untouchable. No one can take it, and you can't give it away.  It is the truest, deepest part of you, the part that will someday return to me. You are love." 

I like the idea of having a piece of God (Jesus), love, in me--indestructible, brilliant, LOVE.
It seems so simple, so easy. I don't have to keep trying so hard! God is already there!

I then read an entry from August of 2013, not long before the wedding of my son, Matt and his wife, Amanda. We had been talking about and planning the wedding service and I had asked Matt what he believed in and he said, "I believe in love." My son and I were on different wave lengths about readings for the wedding. He and Amanda had chosen non-Biblical readings and I was trying to keep my thoughts to myself! I know that my son's faith is different from mine and he wanted his ceremony to be original and reflect his own beliefs.  

I had been looking for something to give me inspiration, because sometimes God speaks to me and reassures me that all is well through verses in the Bible. Suddenly I come across a verse from 1 John 4:7 just a few days before the wedding..."Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.  Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.  Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." 

God had given "me" a verse, to reassure me that He is love and a ceremony reflecting "love" reflected Him.

And so in re-reading my journals, my word for this year has come alive...
To focus on one word for a year helps keep me on track.

More and more I am finding that "love" is much more that a feeling. It is also an action, a decision, a project, a task.  Not always easy or fun. So if God is love, and I have love in me, then those actions will be something I can focus on doing this year.

"That's one of the things about LOVE. It doesn't recognize boundaries and never obeys the rules we try to give it."  Bob Goff in Love Does

I have made a list of people to love this year!
-husband (Doug)
-children (grandchildren, orphans, school children)
-elderly (Mom, Herb)
-foreigners
-poor
-those in prison
-enemies
-neighbors(New!)

Where will love take me in this year?

" Love does whatever it takes to multiply itself and somehow along the way everyone becomes a part of it. You know why? Because that's what love does." Bob Goff, Love Does

Listen, Listen

Listen and Obey?

I was at the jewelry store in Stoughton, WI, with my sister...looking at some of the jewelry there.  Much of it is inspirational.  The name of the shop is "Diakonos", and the owner of the shop feels it is not just a business, but a ministry. They carry many beautiful items of all types, but you can also build your own piece using the beads and charms they carry there.  

My sister and I had been talking early that day about her life and her challenges in raising two teenage sons.  She had made a declaration that she was going to really try to "listen" to her boys while she was in WI, visiting.  She wanted to ask them questions and truly listen to them.  From my experience, it is often difficult to actually listen and hear what our children are saying because we are continually responding to them the moment they speak...correcting them, disciplining them, encouraging them, challenging them...(if only in our thoughts). This makes it difficult to listen and take in the whole of who the really are.My sister's goal to "listen" made sense to me and I encouraged her to follow through with it.You see, my own children are all grown and have left to live their own lives.  She thinks I am "older and wiser". (Of this I am not so sure!) 

As we were shopping, we saw a very pretty set of earrings that said on one ear, "listen" and on the other ear, "obey".  I showed them to her and said she ought to get them as she was working on being a better listener.  Her reply to me was, "I'm interested in being a better listener, but I've never been good at the "obey" part, and I doubt that will change!" We both laughed at that, and went on our way.

I was thinking about that when I got home.  We usually expect our children or our significant friends or spouse to listen to us and change, or "obey", yet it is so hard for us to do it ourselves.  In the serenity prayer, we say we say we must accept the things we cannot change, and change "the things we can"....yes...WE are the ones who need to change!Change...aka..."obey"....is not that easy.

There is just something about the word "obey" that implies that there is someone or something over us, dominating us and directing us to do in a way that is contrary to our own self will.  I guess that's the point, though.  We forget that ours is a loving God, who cares for us and knows the power in following His(Her) will for our lives.  We must first "listen" and accept the call or direction when we hear it...and then ultimately we must "obey" and trust.

God Calling  (March 28th) says,"Faith and obedience will remove mountains of evil, mountains of difficulty.But they must go hand in hand."

Oh! How great it would be if the mountains of difficulty could be removed!  Obey!

P.S. I bought my sister a pair of earrings the other day that say, "Listen" and for the other ear, "Listen"! I thought that would be a good place to start! 

I have been encouraged to keep writing!

Ah-h-h-h, November!

I wrote in my journal many years ago..."Ah-h-h-h November!"

It creeps up on me so quickly and I am never ready for the feelings that hit me when it arrives.  The days are getting shorter and shorter, the skies have been gray and dreary all week and suddenly it dawns on me...oh yeah, it's November...and it all comes flooding back to me!

It is always amazing to me how everything that happens seems to start in November, situations and events in my life have left me stuck in despair, crisis, anxiety, and sorrow.  My mind has been battling with these thoughts all month and hence my lament...."Ah-h-h-h November!"

 
To name a few, so that you don't think I am a whiner....


November 1986-bed-rest and fear for the life of my baby 
November 1994-death of my father
November 1995-daughter breaks neck in gymnastics accident
November 2008-fear for health of father-in-law
November 2009-heart failure diagnosis, needed pacemaker
November 2009-dear friend loses battle with cancer
November 2012-mom in hospital after a fall

So I have made my list and I am doing my best to shake the gloomy feelings and turn my attitude around as I face another Thanksgiving this year.  It never ceases to amaze me how God uses the difficulties and the grief, the sorrow and the despair, the anxiety and the crises to draw me to Him and to  show me answers to prayer and His love for me.

I was in the hospital on the anniversary of my dad's death with my mom, who had fallen and injured her hip.  She was in a great deal of pain and I sighed and said something like, 

"I don't like November, it makes me feel sad and depressed.  I have too many memories that bring me down." (I was whining again!) 

My mom, bless her heart, responded, 

"I love November! Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I have so many wonderful memories of days spending time with family and close friends.  I never minded the work. I enjoyed cooking food and celebrating.  I have so much to be thankful for!"

Leave it to an almost 87 year old to take my "gloom and doom" attitude and turn it around and show me that the "gloom and doom" can be turned on its head to be a blessing.

So, as I look at my list and I review my depressing thoughts...if I put a new twist on them, I see with a new perspective...

My son, Michael, is alive and happy today.  He will celebrate his 26th birthday next week.  His very life is a miracle and a blessing.

My daughter, Michelle, survived and thrived after her accident in 1995.  She is a loving mom to my two beautiful grandchildren.  Her recovery was evidence of answered prayer.

My son, Matthew, is going to be a father in only a few short weeks! A new life and grandchild to bring life and hope into the world.

My dad and my dear friend were called home to be with God and is to my amazement  are still with me in so many ways.  Their lives have impacted me and shown me love.

My father in law has recovered from his illness and many prayers have been answered.  He is now active in church, a miracle of its own!

My heart still beats and I have regained some of my strength back with the help of the pacemaker. I am so thankful for that one medical miracle that has kept me going.

My mom is recovering from her fall at a local rehab facility.  She is well cared for and motivated to return to her home.  More evidence has been shown to me that prayers are answered.  

So as I approach Thanksgiving Day this year, I am reminded that I do have so very much to thank God for this day.  I am glad it is November again.  I am grateful for the blessings!

"Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again, Rejoice! ...Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:4

I Am Not Afraid!

"Don't you go! Don't you move!"


It felt like a prophesy over me...a word spoken by man, through a man, directed at me to inspire me, yet I believe the words were somehow from God.


I have gone to church with my friend before...and always sensed in myself a holding back, perhaps a "holding out" of letting the power of the Holy Spirit move in me.  Maybe I do hold back, maybe I do.  Lord, I am sorry for that.   Many years of upbringing in a quiet church setting...controlled and in control, I believe...yet I hold the Spirit at arms length away.  I still struggle with letting go....I fear losing control.


At this meeting, the speaker prayed over many of us as we walked through the line.  I boldly went forward committed to allowing the Spirit to fill me...as my time came up, I tried so hard to make it quick...to not be "touched" and have a stranger lay his hands on me! I actually tried to move on quickly and he spoke to me...grabbed my arm and pulled me gently toward him and placed his hand firmly on my head as though he was pushing me down (I felt like he was trying to get me to surrender...or he thought I would try to escape!)


"Dont' you go! Don't you move!"


"God says, "The spirit of the living God is gonna fall on you...Also...it's gonna fall on you like rain!  You're gonna see a cloud, like a cloud the size of a man's hand...but there's gonna be an abundance of rain...There's a refreshing rain that's coming to your life.  And you're gonna refresh others that are weary!"  He says, "I'm gonna put inside your mouth and on your tongue a word that will refresh those that are weary, and broken..."  All those things that you pass through in your life, God says, "There is a reason for that season!"


"Oh, my God, Hallelujah! Oh, my God!"


I did feel moved by the power of the Spirit....tears were streaming down my face, heart pounding within me!  I cried tears as the Spirit flowed through me and I kept thinking about the word, HOPE, again it came to my mind.  


The Lord has placed the word, HOPE in my mouth and on my tongue and I will meditate on it!


"Blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their HOPE and confidence."
Jeremiah 17:7


"Don't you go! Don't you move!"


Gail, don't move away from the power of the Holy Spirit! Let it rain on you...(tears?) ...a cleansing abundant rain.


Healing rain is falling down
Healing rain is falling down
I'm not afraid! I'm not afraid!


Let go of the fear! Don't move!


Let me walk across the room, speak of my faith, and not be weird!