Struggling

Today I was singing along with the congregation at church the song, "Worthy is the Lamb".

Alleluia, Alleluia

Our Lord God Almighty reigns

It goes on and on and we repeated the lines over and over again like a prayer...

Worthy is the lamb, worthy is the lamb

You are holy, you are holy

I was so caught up in the music that I began to imagine myself walking in the shoes of Abraham. A parent who was given an order by God to take his own son, his only son, up on to the top of a mountain and offer him as a sacrifice to God.

I imagined myself trying to lift my burdens up to the top of a mountain, to push them, cajole them, drag them up to the top of that mountain fulling intending and trying to give them over to God. I was struggling so with the image of me trying to do that.  I used every power known to me, physical power, mental power and the power of prayer.  I actually felt the burden of this struggle in my physical body.

I was on the verge of actually making some progress in heaving this heavy, limp, reluctant burden up and over to God....but just at that moment the lamb appeared...

Worthy is the lamb, worthy is the lamb

For you are Holy, you are Holy!

So the lamb appears. He is the lamb.  The risen Christ is the lamb, offered by God, so that Abraham didn't have to sacrifice his son, and neither do I have to struggle so to get those burdens of mine up and over a mountain.

The struggle is over for me.  I cannot drag my burdens to God as a sacrifice using my own powers of control, physical strength and fortitude, sheer effort and the constant struggling. The Lamb has arrived to take their place. The struggle is over.  I can only pray ....and thank God for the lamb.

Worthy is the lamb, worthy is the lamb

For He is holy, holy!

I ask God for the power to do what He would have me do.  And give thanks for the sacrificial lamb that takes the place of the burdens I try to carry.  Mostly unsuccessfully, I might add.

I ask God for the power to carry out His will for me.

Step 11:

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Genesis 20: 16-18

"This is what the Lord says: Because you have obeyed me and have not withheld even your beloved son, I swear by my own self that I will bless you richly."

It came to me along time ago...

I had this vision about 5 years ago...and it was very meaningful to me.  I came across a written copy of it amongst some papers that I was cleaning out.  It has powerful images for me today as it did 5 years ago.

I had to fight off thoughts of school and home briefly and finally a sense of peace and calm and floating came to me.  I still felt pain in my shoulder but I didn't fight it, but accepted that it was an injury that existed.  "I am not my body" kept coming to me, so I was able to detach for a few moments from the physical part of me that often carries pain.  I felt very relaxed and open.

I imagine that I am sitting in Segovia, Spain...looking over the beautiful landscape from high up on the road.  I see the ancient "acueducto", the cathedral, the mountains in the distance.  I walk down a rugged dry dirt path to a small square, patio or plaza...alone there is no one there.  I sit on a small metal chair.  I sense beauty and peace, yet I do not notice details.  A figure dressed all in white appears, Christ himself, as I recognize him.  He approaches me and hands me a beautiful, whole, bright red  heart and gently places it in my hands.  He places his hands over mine around the heart and gives me a reassuring squeeze.  As he turns to leave, he looks me squarely in the eyes with confidence.  No words are spoken.  There is just the feeling of peace, healing and serenity.

Why did I find these thoughts, images, feelings written down, today?

I need to remember that Christ himself brings me a whole, unbroken, beautiful heart.  That he reaches out for me with his hands and reassures me.  That he looks me squarely in the eyes and without saying a word, gives me confidence.

This is powerful for me.  I am  prayerful and meditative today.  Wanting so much for life to be good, instead of taking life on life's terms.  Realizing that only Christ has the power to heal me, my broken heart, my eyes that don't see.

Early Morning Moments

I am in Indiana visiting my daughter and her husband and our little grandson, Jack.  I had the pleasure of staying with Jack all day yesterday while my daughter went to work.  It was a pleasant day, a flash-back to my days as a stay at home mom! I went for a walk with the baby and the dog, did some laundry, threw some dishes in the dishwasher, gave Jack a bath, clipped his fingernails, fed him some cereal and Cheerios, etc...quite a fun time!  It was fun, low-key and truly a peaceful, uncomplicated day for me.

This morning I woke up at 5:30 am to Jack crying in his bed.  I went in to check on him and met Michelle in the nursery.  She said she had just fed Jack and didn't know why he was fussy.  I picked him up and discovered he was all wet! I changed him and told Michelle to go back to bed.  I brought him back to bed with me!

It's funny how a baby is made to fit so nicely together with his grandmother. We snuggled together and he offered me his "paci" (pacifier).  He wiggled and kicked for about 20 minutes, but didn't cry at all.  Suddenly, Kozmo, the dog, jumped up on the bed with us and Jack had to sit up to see what the commotion was all about! He loves his "puppy"!  Finally, Jack began to relax and doze off.  Kozmo was snuggled up to my hip side and Jack was softly relaxing upon my arm on the other side.  I believe I was in "Grandma Heaven".

It was one of my very special "Sunflower moments"! I was holding my precious grandson, snuggling with the dog, watching the sun come up and in through the window and listening to the birds in the backyard.  I felt tears of joy and gratitude well up in my eyes and drip slowly down onto the pillow.  I was created for moments like these. Precious times that all too quickly pass unnoticed.  I noticed today and I am grateful for the experience.  

Thanks be to God for creating me for such moments of joy and bliss under His care.

Revelation

To Something...

"We will be guided into understanding what we need to do to take care of ourselves.  We will begin to trust our instincts, our feelings, our thoughts.

We will know when to go, to stop, to wait.  We will learn to great truth:

The plan will happen in spite of us, not because of us.

I pray today an each day that my thoughts, words and actions may be divinely led. I pray that I can move forward in confidence knowing my steps are guided."

-Melody Beattie The Language of Letting Go (2/11)

"Why are we terrified for God to speak to us?  Because we know that when God speaks we must either do what He asks or tell Him we will not obey." 

-Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest (2/11)

Strangely, lately, the thought of a change has been filtering into my mind. I am confused by it.  This is especially true when it comes on the job front. I truly felt called to serve at Fox School, brought here out of the blue, fulfilling a life-long dream of mine to work in the public schools and to be a bilingual teacher.

As I pulled into the parking lot yesterday I was listening to a song by Third Day called "Revelation":

Give me a revelation,

Show me what to do

Cause I've been trying to find my way,

I haven't got a clue

Tell me should I stay here,

Or do I need to move

Give me a revelation

I've got nothing without You

I've got nothing without You

I'm not sure of the exact words, but as I got into the car at the end of the day, I heard the very same exact song again as I was pulling out...and it freaked me out.

Tell me should I stay here,

Or do I need to move?

I recall a foggy early morning drive in to the Fox School parking lot several years ago, when I was frustrated with the situation at Fox and I had asked about other positions in the district because I felt the pressure of the position. 

As I drove into the parking lot there was a certain glow around the gigantic pine tree in the driveway and the sun was shining through the fog onto that tree in such a beautiful way and I remember thinking, "This is a sign from God".

I stayed and weathered the trials and it has been good!  Now I am feeling those strange vibes of something calling me, a change, I need a revelation.

Give me a revelation

I've got nothing without You

I've got nothing without You

I move today with the certainty that my steps are Divinely guided!  I am listening! I just need to know if the call is truly from God.

And I wonder at how the "inkling" of change whispers to me in the words of a song and I wonder at how You, Lord, prepare me and get me ready for "real" change.  I felt that  "twinge" of discontent, heard a song, and have given myself an attitude adjustment.  My principal will leave at the end of this school year.

Tell me should I stay here

Or do I need to move?

Perhaps the change I felt was simply this. I still need the discernment and wisdom that only God can give me, help and love, I need patience for the transition, love for the kids, and stamina to keep learning and growing as a teacher!

"And the only way to live an undefeated life is to live looking to God"

-Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest 3/6

So I go today and face You,

look to You,

and live

undefeated

unflapped by change

dedicated

full of Your spirit

in me

moving me

loving me!

I go, I do, but always,

like a sunflower,

face fixed on the sun

I turn

and look

 to YOU

the source

of all my 

strength,

energy

and 

POWER!

-Gail Mehlan 3/6/09

More Sunflower Moments

Today I have my grandson here and Mike, Kimmy, Michelle, Brian, Kozmo, the dog, and it is busy, busy, busy!  But my son, Matt, is still in NYC and not here with us.  It is his 27th birthday today!  I can hardly believe that I have a 27 year old child!  I hope he is celebrating safely and happily where he is!  I am having a "sunflower moment" looking at my grandson, Jack, and noticing that he looks a great deal like Matt did as a baby!  

This brings me to some awesome memories and thoughts of gratitude for life, moving forward, and I'm here to enjoy the moments!  Happy Birthday Matt! Have a great day! I loved you the moment you were born, and I love you even more now!  Take care of your precious life!  

A Quiet Saturday Morning

Oh the joys of Saturdays, when you can turn off the alarm and not have to get up at a particular time!  Today I stayed in bed until almost 8:00!  It was nice. I laid there feeling the beating of my heart under the warm covers.  I recalled a discussion I'd recently had about how our hearts can beat away in unceasing prayer without our conscious thought.  I felt thankful that God was listening to my heart beat out its concerns and constant prayers.  The pacemaker helping to keep it going without my thought or help.  God is at work through technology. 

God teaches us to take a day off from work, Sabbath.  Sometimes my Sundays are so busy...out the door early to practice with the singers at church, worshipping together, busy shopping and finishing up home projects and grading papers for Monday, meetings in the evening...too much to do that it is not much of a Sabbath!  Saturday works better for me and I'm taking a break today to get back to writing, thinking and connecting with a slower pace. 

"Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life.  I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me---watch how I do it.  Learn the unforced rhythms of grace.  I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."  Matthew 11:28  The Message

When at work, if He is with me, and I believe He is (the constant beating of my heart in unceasing prayer) I can experience rest.  When I am at home, preparing a meal, exercising, talking; He is a constant  and I am learning the "unforced rhythms of grace" the rhythms of my own body, breath and heart, muscles and bones, words and thoughts.  

I called my son yesterday to check on him and he didn't call me back right away.  My mind does strange things to me when he doesn't answer and I started on that dangerous pathway of thought again, "What is he doing? Where is he? Why isn't he answering the phone? Is he okay?  Had he run off?  If he doesn't call back, I'm going to cut him off!"  On and on the thoughts began. 

Then I stopped and took a deep breath, and asked God to just take the thoughts away from me.  I actually raised up my arms, palms upward, and gave my thoughts, my cares and my crazy projections up to God.  He took them and I was fine.  My heart was still praying, but my mind was a bit calmer. Sabbath rest. Rest in Him.  It can truly begin to happen for us if we can surrender.

Maybe that's what it means to live freely and lightly...in Him.  I have been talking to my beautiful daughter lately about life and the ups and downs of it all. She has a beautiful baby boy, a caring husband, a good job, a home,  basically she has it all! Yet she is still feeling a void in her life, the spark is dying down. She feels stress, not rest.  I keep telling her to just "go with the flow". She is still trying to stay in charge of her life.  We talked about the spiritual side of all of this and I know she misses the active presence of God in her life. So my heart beats everyday with a silent prayer for her also...

"Lord, find her and bring Your rest to her. Help her to trust YOU and learn to live freely and lightly with You by her side. All of the "things" of her life will work out as You would have them work out.  I have learned this lesson through years of living. I trust that You will help her." 

Again, I lift up my arms, pray and trust. My tendencies to want to do it all and be all to my family have come to haunt me again. Again, I must surrender it all you the Lord. I am not in control. God is.

My middle son is in NYC preparing to fly to Switzerland for a special music festival and he is presenting a special music program for his work this week as well. I know that You will be with him in all that he does. I wish for him success and a profitable trip. It is hard to let go and to trust.  I must. God knows I care for him so very much. Again and again, my hands extend toward God and I surrender to His will.

My mom had her 83rd birthday yesterday.  I am so thankful for her continued health and activity.  Yet there are times when I worry.  At least with her, I know for sure she is always with God's spirit. Surrender.

Now it is almost 9:00 and I'm feeling like the rest time should come to an end.  I cannot simply sit and do nothing.  But I will keep in mind that God is my company today and in that, I can rest. My heart is still beating, unceasing prayer.

Love never fails.

God with us!

"Behold the virgin shall be with child, and bear a Son, and they shall call His name Immanuel." which is translated, "God with us."Matthew 1:23

I'm sitting listening to Christmas music on the radio,there are  many songs about the baby, Jesus. This is Jack's first Christmas with us and I must confess it is truly one of the miracles of God to hold a baby in your arms. (At least for me!) God was pretty wise, of course, in coming to us in the form of a newborn baby.  He knew that we are all so drawn into a baby in our midst.  I'm actually sitting with Jack right next to me and he is looking at me, smiling, and grabbing for my glasses! It's the smile that grabs the heart! When we were at the mall the other day, many people stopped and engaged in pleasant conversation with the baby and he just smiled and cooed in baby talk right back the them...so cute, so loving, so innocent. I cant' imagine any miracle more profound than the birth of a child...at least none that I've experienced.  I was in awe at each of my children's births and the birth of my grandson.  Isn't each and every birth special?  Truly God's love for us in the birth of his son and the celebration that we engage in, is worthy of special attention.  God with us.

I love the chaos of having all of my children home.  Wild as it seems in the morning or around mealtime,  I am relishing in the sounds of them all being here, home. Things are a mess here, there are clothes, dishes, people all over the house.  Just when I feel overwhelmed, I tell myself I love it, I will survive.  God with us.

The pets my daughter brought with her remind me of the craziness that Mary and Joseph must have experienced in the stable behind the inn.  The animals make noise chase each other around, demand attention, need to go out into the cold, have their feet wiped off....if you have animals, you get the picture.  The smells, the noises, all add to the chaos but also add to the atmosphere of home.  God with us. 

Even the beautiful snow that continues to fall outside brings its own beauty and splendor, a celebration of its own!  God reminds us that He is in control of all of the universe, the splendor and the terror of weather out of control.  I see the clean, white snowflakes falling nonstop and think of God's power, God's ability to cleanse us white as snow. Beautiful, mysterious, God's presence made known to us yet again.  God with us.

Early this morning, I had a few moments alone with God.  I savored the time.  The lights on the Christmas tree made me feel like it was a special time.  In the quiet, in the silence, I felt His presence in my life.  I am grateful.  God with us.

So this Christmas, as you hold a baby in your arms (borrow one if you have to!), spend chaotic family time with those you love and don't often see, enjoy and care for your pets, look out at the wintery weather, or spend time alone with God,  rest assured that He is in our midst each and every day!  

Blessings to everyone this Christmas eve!