I Don't Like Failure

A little over a year ago, I was diagnosed with Heart Failure.  The official term is Idiopathic Cardiomyopathy which really sounds better to me,  more technical and medical than dealing with any part of me that is a "failure".  It means Heart Failure of an unknown cause. 

You see, I have a problem with failure.  It is not an option for me.  I just really have a hard time accepting failure.  Maybe it's because I am a teacher and the daughter of a teacher and a father who also had high expectations.  I always strove for good grades in school and always did well. It did produce some anxiety for me from time to time, but I always managed to be successful in school.  Now I am a teacher, and when I am dealing with a student who is not doing well, it becomes my mission to help them to do better, to find success somehow.  Failure is not an option.

When I heard that I had Heart Failure, I was truly taken by surprise.  I have taken care of myself most of the time during my life.  I don't smoke, drink excessively, do drugs etc.   I have exercised regularly, watched my weight, seen the doctor regularly.....and my heart is still "failing"!

Throughout the last year I have had two procedures to place a pacemaker and resynchronization device into my heart to help delay the progression of the Heart Failure.  I'm sure I am no different than any other person who has been diagnosed with a life threatening disease.  There needs to be a time of acceptance and dealing with the immediate medical procedures to help me....but failure, that is not something easy for me to take.

Having my body fail me has brought up other thoughts about failure that have weighed heavy on my heart. (literally!)

I have been thinking about parenting children.  I wanted to be a good mom!  I tried everything that I could do to ensure that my children would not fail.  I sent my sister an email one time that had the words "Failure Notice" in the subject title. She responded that she was freaked out thinking the email was coming from one of her boys' schools!  I think we are a lot alike, my sister and I! We both take our children's successes and failures so much to heart.

I remember driving in the car one day, so down because my son had failed almost every class he had taken at college one semester.  I was so down about it....feeling like I myself, had failed. God clearly spoke to me in the silence of the car that day and said to me, "Gail, you did not fail!"  This was not my failure. Somehow I felt like a failure anyway.  That fear of failure or the failure of someone near and dear to me...that it is somehow a reflection on me.  I have such deep seated fears of failure...maybe I have been such a people pleaser that I attempted to control my situations by excelling academically.  That was my way of being "good".

"There are no failures only outcomes". (A quote from a Facebook application) 

When I heard that small voice telling me to "Take care of your family."  I immediately began to look at  all of those painful memories...the areas of my life when I felt like I had failed. Maybe I didn't take care well enough in some situations.  Maybe I have been a failure as a mom.

If you are a good parent, your child ought to turn out "right", right?  When I look at my children's lives, I wonder and I judge, I actually judge them and myself on standards that are not mine to set.  I feel the guilt, what did I do?  Where did I go wrong?

I battle these feelings of failure each and everyday....that some defect in me has been the cause of my perceptions of failure. I don't get it. I don't understand.  But I do know that I am who I am and the story is not over yet for me or for my children.

I know that I have cared for my family and will continue to show them love and respect.  We have had some wonderful family moments and actually only God knows the "rest of the story"! God must have a purpose for my failures.  I believe that He does.  I may not always see what that purpose is, but it is something.  

God's Creatures Never Fail

Today I will accept my Heart Failure as simply a health problem that I am dealing with.  My Heart Failure is not a failure to love or care for the people in my life.  My Heart  Failure is not a lacking of my heart to feel, love and give the best I have to offer. This broken heart of mine can continue to pray for and lift up all of the people I love.  I can intercede for them today by giving them all up to the One who love us all.

Gail Gone Wild Among the Sunflowers!

Gail gone wild?

I just have to laugh as I read that title!  

I just returned home from a weekend up in Wisconsin with four of my very best friends from college days.  We all attended Cornell College back in the 1970's and have kept in touch for all of these past 35 years!  

During our visit I was talking to one of my friends about my "blogging" on the internet and my posts on Facebook.  She was very worried about me that I might  somehow get into trouble by posting pictures and personal thoughts and such out there in cyberspace!  I, quite frankly,  had not given that much thought! I suppose it is possible for one of my Facebook friends to download a picture of me and then somehow transport it digitally to an inappropriate picture and post it somehow on a porn site or something!  I'm sure it's possible, but not likely! 

That 's when we started laughing about "Gail goes wild among the sunflowers!" The thought is quite amusing, I think.  A 56 year old grandmother.....? Seems strange!  It is really not likely, however, that even if I did end up in a racy picture somewhere, that I would ever even find out about it! I never "go there"! So, if you happen to come across something inappropriate about me anywhere out there in cyberspace, please make a comment and let me know!  I'd be interested to know and would probably quickly withdraw my pictures and comments! Even though, by then, it'd probably be too late!  Back in 1974, they never warned us about technology!

Back to my visit with my college friends!  We spent the weekend up in Wisconsin at my mother's home.  The weather was pretty cool and overcast the entire weekend and we didn't get to really enjoy the lake other than just looking at it through the beautiful window in my mom's kitchen.  But in spite of the weather, we enjoyed a lot of talking, walking, eating and laughing. (And dare I say drinking? In moderation, of course!)

I don't know what it is about this group of girls, but we always have so much to talk about and it's not just reminiscing about the past, we talk about issues that are important to us.  Out of the five of us, we have an attorney, a family physician, a bilingual teacher, a payroll business manager, and a school counselor. Needless to say, our conversations range from  personal health issues to our grown children, from care for our aging parents to legal issues relating to wills and estates!  It seems that we can never get enough talking in. We don't usually argue either, we just listen and respect each other even if we disagree.  One thing is for certain, we CARE about one another.  I just love to be a part of this group because I come home from our time together feeling valued as a friend and as a person.

I also come away from the weekend a few pounds heavier because we eat so well!  Each friend brings delicious food and we eat and eat and eat!  Then we walk around the block to try to burn it off!  But in spite of all that, it is one of my favorite times of the year.  Cornell College/Theta/Class of '74/Girl's Weekend!  I am so very lucky that God has placed me in the lives of these wonderful friends and I thank Him for this blessing!

And....that's about as wild as I got among the sunflowers this past weekend!  

Take Care of your Family!

I have recently been through a surgical procedure that has kept me somewhat slowed-down these past three weeks. I have needed someone to take care of me. 

Now that I am feeling better, I am realizing that I, too, need to take care of others.  I have been busy taking care of the house, trying to accomplish a few projects for the summer.  One of the projects is scrapbooks.  I love putting pictures in books and making memories come alive through color, organization, and journaling.  I find that the books are treasures for me and for others to look at and remember.  All those memories!  They flood my mind when I am working on the scrapbooks.  Some of the memories are hard....but most of them are happy and joyful! Most of the best memories are with family and friends spending time together and

enjoying life.  I thoroughly enjoy all of the memories!  

The other day I was working on a few pages for a scrapbook about Michelle's wedding two years ago.  (Yes, I am a little behind!)  I had a strong sense of a need to "Take care of my family".  I kept thinking those words.  I was looking at pictures of my grandson, Jack, pictures of Michelle and her wedding, Michael and Matthew when they were little, my husband, Doug, as a young attractive man...so many memories, so many wonderful special thoughts...."Take care of your family!"  The words kept ringing through my mind.

I have always felt that my first and foremost "mission" or "calling" was to bring the message of God's love to my family. To share my faith with my children as they grew up...and I did that to the best of my ability.  I was listening to Matt sing one of his songs,  "Hey, Mom, tell Jesus that I love him...."  

Their love comes through in so many different ways.  My boys' feelings come through their music, my daughter through her notes and her phone calls.  I love them all so much.  Each  is so different, each so special.  Sometimes I feel like perhaps my "calling" is over.  They are adults now, they need to find their own way somehow....yet they still turn to me for love and support and counsel.  "Take care of your family!"

Suddenly the phone rang and it was my mother.  The giver of my life.  She was experiencing some irregular heart beats and was in the hospital emergency room.  She lives two hours away from me, so of course I became very anxious. "Take care of your family!"  had new meaning to me at that moment.  I hurried to make arrangements so that I could be up there with her as soon as possible.  For the moment she is okay, but I am concerned.  How do I take care of her?  What do I need to do?  I pray that God shows me how and when.

I am still pondering the consistent and persistent thought. "Take care of your family."  I know that I will do what I need to do.  How do I continue to do it for Mike and my other adult children without stepping over the line that turns into enabling?  When do I step in and take care of my mom?  I pray for wisdom and strength to do whatever it is I need to do.  Patience, wisdom and courage are what I need to "Take care of my family!"  and to "Take care of me!"  for I am a part of my family!  I need care too!

Sense of Control Given Over

"As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit." - Emmanuel Teney  

It has been a long road for me to get to that very point. That point of  feeling that I "no longer need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will".  I believe that to be true, but have continued with questions, doubts and concerns about the changes that I face at work, changes also in my personal life, health and struggles in parenting my adult children. (I think that is more difficult for me than parenting young children!)

Yesterday a sixth grade student came into my room to give me a card as we approach the end of the school year.  She is a former student who I taught for 3 years in the Bilingual Resource Room, and then she ultimately transitioned out of the program.  She wrote me the nicest note about how I taught her English and helped her to get good grades.  It really touched me and filled me with emotion.  I rarely get that kind of feedback from students about my work! It is for those kinds of tiny moments that I do what I do!  It was also the boost I needed at that moment to motivate me to go back into the Resource Room and do what I can do to be the best teacher I can be in that role!

Oswald Chambers in "My Utmost for His Highest" (6/3) said:

"Have we let God tell us His joys? Are we so intimately united to Jesus Christ's idea of prayer..."Your will be done." (Matt 6:10)  that we catch the secrets of God?  What makes God so dear to us is not so much His big blessings to us, but the tiny things, because they show his amazing intimacy with us---He know every detail of each of our individual lives."

The card was a "tiny thing".  It carried a profound spiritual message to me, from God.

"You have a gift, use your gift and your love to do My will for you.  You are a good and faithful teacher."

Thank you, Lord, for coming to me in the "tiny things".  A beautiful sunset that Doug and I shared looking at the same sky while talking on the cell phone, a smile from Jack, a hug from Mike. Thank you!

As I face yet another challenge this week, surgery to add a lead to my pacemaker, I read from Ephesians a wonderful promise:

"I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the wonderful future He has promised to those He has called."   Ephesians 1:18

Sad Sunflower Moments

Is it possible to be so sad and grieving and at the same time to feel loved and welcome?  Why was is so hard to say goodbye yesterday to a wonderful friend who is finally at peace, with God, watching us from above as we shared  our memories?  At the same time it felt so good to all be together to be a part of his memorial. I give God so many "Thanks" for the life of my friend, Steve, who passed away on April 21, 2009, after a struggle with cancer.  

I marvel at the privilege I was given to know such a wonderful group of people who all gathered yesterday to celebrate his life.  I wonder how it came to be that I have had the honor to have known this man, who was such a good person to the core, and how God worked to arrange my life to intertwine with his in unsuspected ways almost 30 years ago. Life and death are mysteries to me.  

As my friend said to me yesterday, we take life on faith.  There exists that power, the power of God.  When we allow that power to lead our lives, strange and wonderful relationships, fun, memories and experiences shape our days and can bring us such wonder.  I believe it is that power that brought me into that group of life-long friends.  I thank God for that.  I thank God for welcoming Steve home into a better place.  Someday I'll see him again.

Could I have had a sunflower moment yesterday amongst my dear friends while we were grieving?  

Could it be that the special moments and relationships became clearer as we celebrated in sorrow?  I believe it was a sunflower moment for me.  

Struggling

Today I was singing along with the congregation at church the song, "Worthy is the Lamb".

Alleluia, Alleluia

Our Lord God Almighty reigns

It goes on and on and we repeated the lines over and over again like a prayer...

Worthy is the lamb, worthy is the lamb

You are holy, you are holy

I was so caught up in the music that I began to imagine myself walking in the shoes of Abraham. A parent who was given an order by God to take his own son, his only son, up on to the top of a mountain and offer him as a sacrifice to God.

I imagined myself trying to lift my burdens up to the top of a mountain, to push them, cajole them, drag them up to the top of that mountain fulling intending and trying to give them over to God. I was struggling so with the image of me trying to do that.  I used every power known to me, physical power, mental power and the power of prayer.  I actually felt the burden of this struggle in my physical body.

I was on the verge of actually making some progress in heaving this heavy, limp, reluctant burden up and over to God....but just at that moment the lamb appeared...

Worthy is the lamb, worthy is the lamb

For you are Holy, you are Holy!

So the lamb appears. He is the lamb.  The risen Christ is the lamb, offered by God, so that Abraham didn't have to sacrifice his son, and neither do I have to struggle so to get those burdens of mine up and over a mountain.

The struggle is over for me.  I cannot drag my burdens to God as a sacrifice using my own powers of control, physical strength and fortitude, sheer effort and the constant struggling. The Lamb has arrived to take their place. The struggle is over.  I can only pray ....and thank God for the lamb.

Worthy is the lamb, worthy is the lamb

For He is holy, holy!

I ask God for the power to do what He would have me do.  And give thanks for the sacrificial lamb that takes the place of the burdens I try to carry.  Mostly unsuccessfully, I might add.

I ask God for the power to carry out His will for me.

Step 11:

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Genesis 20: 16-18

"This is what the Lord says: Because you have obeyed me and have not withheld even your beloved son, I swear by my own self that I will bless you richly."

It came to me along time ago...

I had this vision about 5 years ago...and it was very meaningful to me.  I came across a written copy of it amongst some papers that I was cleaning out.  It has powerful images for me today as it did 5 years ago.

I had to fight off thoughts of school and home briefly and finally a sense of peace and calm and floating came to me.  I still felt pain in my shoulder but I didn't fight it, but accepted that it was an injury that existed.  "I am not my body" kept coming to me, so I was able to detach for a few moments from the physical part of me that often carries pain.  I felt very relaxed and open.

I imagine that I am sitting in Segovia, Spain...looking over the beautiful landscape from high up on the road.  I see the ancient "acueducto", the cathedral, the mountains in the distance.  I walk down a rugged dry dirt path to a small square, patio or plaza...alone there is no one there.  I sit on a small metal chair.  I sense beauty and peace, yet I do not notice details.  A figure dressed all in white appears, Christ himself, as I recognize him.  He approaches me and hands me a beautiful, whole, bright red  heart and gently places it in my hands.  He places his hands over mine around the heart and gives me a reassuring squeeze.  As he turns to leave, he looks me squarely in the eyes with confidence.  No words are spoken.  There is just the feeling of peace, healing and serenity.

Why did I find these thoughts, images, feelings written down, today?

I need to remember that Christ himself brings me a whole, unbroken, beautiful heart.  That he reaches out for me with his hands and reassures me.  That he looks me squarely in the eyes and without saying a word, gives me confidence.

This is powerful for me.  I am  prayerful and meditative today.  Wanting so much for life to be good, instead of taking life on life's terms.  Realizing that only Christ has the power to heal me, my broken heart, my eyes that don't see.