Sometimes...

Sometimes I feel like all of this 
is too much
for me

Did I forget that I am almost ....?
I think so.

Sometimes it is so overwhelming
I feel tired

But...
not defeated

I am
motivated  by the
"Dream"

And it is becoming a reality....

I can almost begin to envision

this as home...

But still sometimes

too

much...

work

money,

time

day by day

WE

move ahead

Doug and I

walked 3 miles today

through my new hometown

through the cemetery

with many,

many,

"Goods" and "Kinders"

"Livelys"

It must be a 

GOOD town.

found a penny 

on the driveway...

a sunflower moment for me

all of this

"They're" with the saints

"watching and loving still"

After, on my 

new back porch

 Looked out on the lake...

and

for a moment

It felt like 

home.

Gail Mehlan

Living Life Looking in the Rear View Mirror

Looking Back

Flee for your Lives! Don't Look Back!

Well... Whew! I feel like I have relived some of the past by looking at my old journals...I am looking back!

I  recently had a discussion with some friends about the story in the Bible about Lot and his wife.  In the story, they were leaving behind their life as they knew it. 

"Flee for your lives! Don't look back, and don't stop anywhere in the plain! Flee to the mountains or you will be swept away!"

Genesis 19:17

"But Lot's wife looked back and she became a pillar of salt." Verse 26

I do not want to become a pillar of salt, frozen, hard, solid, unmoving,  I must keep moving forward toward whatever the future may bring. We cannot go back. Not one of us.

I serves no purpose to look back...unless there are lessons that are clear and have meaning for us in the present.  Some memories can do that for us...but there is also a danger in looking back.

If we are continuously looking back, we may find we are living life with a rear view mirror perspective. That the past is all there is. That we can't break free from past mistakes, past sins. We are driving backwards, not moving ahead and onward. We keep living with the same view. A backwards glance. We can't afford to do this to our children either.

With God's help I continue to put one foot in front of the other and move forwards with this day and the very next moment.  Come again, Lord, and strengthen me for the day ahead! Don't let me become "frozen" in the past!

There is still so much to look ahead to! 

Our Children Cannot Go Back

We

have come over a long road

to the place where we are now...

in human experience,

and in our knowledge of God.

It is an impulse

stemming from good will to say

to our children

"This is the way I have come...

you must learn this way..."

But our children cannot go back

to the land from which we have come.

God has asked us to bring them 

to this place

and from here

They must be strong 

to go on

into a new world

which we may never

comprehend.

Gladis and Gordon De Pree  

Living in the Moment

Life is too short

I received word last week that a very dear friend of our family had died as a result of complications from a heart transplant...and then just a day later I hear via email that a very vivacious 67 year old had died in her sleep one night and her family was planning her funeral! 

Each time I get news like this, I shudder and begin to get fearful...life is too short! It's NOT fair! I felt that way when my father died at 70(too young)... and now I, myself, am inching my way towards those numbers. I hold my 6 month old grand baby close to my chest and know that each moment with him is immensely precious! None of us wants to think about life's swift passing!

Skating on the Lake

That is why, yesterday, when I saw the sunshine and the fact that the temperature had risen closer to 30 degrees, I made my husband come outside with me so that I could put on my ice skates and attempt to skate on the little ice rink our neighbors had carved out of the snow on the lake. Somehow I wanted to prove to myself and others (via Face book) that I could still do this and I am still very much alive and active! (And...I got 87 likes!)

AND....I did it! (Without falling!)

My poor husband walked around the periphery of the little rink, checking to make sure the ice wasn't cracking.  He had brought a cord, a shovel and an ice chopper just to make sure we had something in case I fell in. There was no need to worry, though! I did just fine and thoroughly enjoyed the bright sun, beautiful white snow and clear skies.

Life is too short to waste time thinking about the "what ifs".  Sometimes we have to grab at opportunities to do and experience life's moments without fear.

I plan to experience as many moments as I can, while I can. That's not to say that I won't feel sad or worried from time to time, but I have learned to focus on those moments that bring me joy, even in the midst of difficulties.
                                                                                                                                                                 Enjoy your day and be blessed my beloved friends!

"I will make you a great nation, and I will bless you!"

Genesis 12:2

"Remember you are dust..."

Dust
Today I am thinking a lot about dust! 

I feel a bit sad that I was not able to get to an Ash Wednesday service yesterday....many of the churches around here cancelled their services due to the extreme cold and gusting winds. So, I didn't go out to receive the imposition of ashes. 

However, I did wake up this morning to the bright sun shining through my bedroom window and I could see the bright sparkling dust particles floating around the room.  The sun always makes the dust shine and show up in a way that is impossible to remove adequately.  

My son wrote a song that had a lyric that I always sing in my head when I see dust in the sunlight... 

"In the bright light 

can you see...

all the dust 

you're breathing in?

In the bright light

can you see...

anything, anything?" 

Matt Mehlan- "Git" 

http://ghostlysongs.com 

The dust in the air and the dust that appears on the furniture and floors just reminded me of Ash Wednesday today.  The words spoken at the Ash Wednesday service are to remind us how small we are in the grand scheme of things....are we really anything, anything at all? Just dust.

But are we just dust? It says in Genesis 2:7

"...the Lord God formed the man from the

dust of the ground and breathed 

into his nostrils the breath

of life,

and the man became a living being."

Breath of Life

We have been given the "breath of life" and that has given us so much more.  The breath of life has given us a body for working hard, loving, touching, experiencing... we have been given the opportunity to enjoy all of God's creation.  

I am sitting here looking out at the frozen lake and the blowing snow and still the sun in shining and the house feels warm.  I can feel it.  I can think and use words to express my thoughts and my heart is beating steadily in a body that is made of simply dust.

I was able this summer to stand with my husband's family at the bedside of his mother as she took her last breath.  It was a sacred and holy moment for all of us present there in that room.  When she developed a lung condition that made breathing difficult, each breath was truly the breath of life. It had gotten to be such a struggle for her.   At the moment of her passing, and the last exhalation of her earthly breath, we all felt an overwhelming sense of peace knowing that her "breath of life" was finished and she had returned to "dust".  She wasn't struggling any longer. She was at peace. 

Within two weeks of her passing, I was witness to the birth of my grandson.  I stood in another room, in another place and experienced another sacred and holy moment as the "breath of life" was breathed into a tiny little body. I was in awe as this small creature took in his first breath and cried out! A miracle had occurred! I truly felt blessed to be able to experience these moments of life...life coming, and life going.

During this time of Lent, I choose to focus on my smallness, on my life as just being small in the grandness of creation. I am something, but mostly just dust that has been given a wonderful gift from God, the "breath of life".  And someday, I will return to God again, as dust, without fear.

May you, like me, take time in the next 40 days, to reflect on your lives and your relationship to God and love and life. Just remember that dust is powerful stuff when God breathes into it!

"Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return..." 

I sit here and hold in my hand a stone heart...http://amongthesunflowers.blogspot.com/2009/04/it-came-to-me-along-time-ago.html

A Hard Working Man

Looking out at a Snowy Day

We were back in the Chicago area to visit my father-in-law who is currently in a rehabilitation facility due to a serious fall he had at his home back in December.  He's 86 years young and wants so much to get back to his home again.

There had been a major snowstorm the day before we came to see him and he had spent the night looking out of the window of the facility at the snow plows cleaning the parking lot and worrying about us as well.  He always worries so much about the weather. He wants us all to be safe!

When we got to the facility to see him he said he didn't sleep well....he said "I was worried about ya!"

We told him we were fine and that the roads had been well-cleared.  As we were talking, he spoke of a memory from the past that had come to him during the night of continuous snow...of a blizzard in 1967 that had literally shut down the city of Chicago.

My father-in-law, Herb, used to work for the United States Post Office prior to his retirement.  He was a desk clerk and used to arrive at work very early in the morning to get started on sorting mail and taking care of business.  Everything was done by hand back then...no computers for logging in on the time clock, no electronic weighing of packages or immediate calculating of the costs to send a package, it was all done on paper and hand recorded.

Back in 1967, the morning of the blizzard, Herb woke up early. He usually left for work at about 2:30 am. He knew it would take him a long time to get to work and saw that the snow was completely covering his driveway and the door to the garage was buried beneath a snow drift so high he couldn't get his car out of the garage.  Being determined to make it to work, he thought to himself, "I'll walk to the bus stop on 111th street, and get to work on the bus." Now, mind you, this was in and of itself quite a distance as they lived at 104th street.

He started out walking to the bus stop, in the cold, blizzard filled night, hoping to get to the bus stop. When he arrived there, he was informed that bus service had been shut down due to the blizzard.  So, instead of heading back home to take a "snow day", he set out on foot to try to get to work on time.  He had no cell phone to call home and let his family know that he was alright, no bus to get him to work...he just walked through the storm and was one of only a very few that made it in to work that day. From my estimation, it was about 2.5 miles to walk which would have taken a good hour or so in good weather.  He made it there somehow.  He couldn't remember how long it took him but he worked hard as usual that day.  I'm not sure how he got home, but he did make it home safely.  His only comment was, "Do you want to know what they did to us? They paid everyone that day, even if they didn't make it in to work!" Somehow, that just didn't seem right! 

All I can remember is that in 1967 there was a big snow storm and although we lived in the suburbs, none of my family made it to work that day! The drifts were close to 4 feet tall and it took everyone a while to dig out from the storm.  

My father-in-law was a hard-working man.  His  jobs were important to him and he supported his family well by working hard and saving.  He had the attitude that his work was of consequence and that many were relying on him to be there.  He also trusted that you would get paid for your work.  (He still didn't think it was fair that everyone got paid that day. The concept of taking a paid "snow day" was somehow unjust.)

But, when all is said and done, he's a good man.  I am so fortunate to have him in my life. He taught my husband well.

I'm praying he continues to work hard to get stronger and more independent again! It's hard to watch him struggle at times to do the little things. So today, I send out prayers and hopes for a special man in my life as he gets stronger and healthier.

"Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us;

And confirm for us the work of our hands;

Yes, confirm the work of our hands."

Psalm 90:17

Thoughts from One Year Ago

I've just been reading, thinking, and processing my thoughts today...after all these months of retirement I haven't even begun to organize my thoughts and ideas for the book that sits in my heart...

"Among the Sunflowers"...


Instead I keep waiting for that one next thing...

I keep thinking I will move to Indiana and in my new house, I'll have a wonderful office with space to work on my projects and my book...but instead, I put it off. (Even though I have a nice little room in this house for just that purpose. ) 

I came across something I'd written in 2002! (Is it even possible that it's been so long?)  At that time I had been given the idea for a book from my son. I wrote:

"Is going into the space and time of another life passing judgement on the life that I have now?  That what is, is not enough?  Again, striving for more...for a richer experience? I don't know.

...My goal today is to live the life placed before me...to somehow grow and be all that God has granted me to be...in this space and place I call home, with the people who are here with me now.

Can I live "among the sunflowers"...(the suggested title for my book).....today? NOW?  In my life as it is at this very moment?"

We put in a bid on a home in Cicero, Indiana at Christmas time.  It is a short sale and we are in a period of waiting to hear from the bank.  We were told that the bank requires that the property be listed on an online auction site and be open for other bidders prior to accepting or rejecting our offer.

We are, of course, very frustrated by this latest turn of events...however, we are not going to give up on the idea. So today, I have been very unsettled thinking about waiting for 2 more weeks before the auction even starts.

Today I began reading through some of my writings so that I don't end the day feeling like I've wasted the here and now...and I read my very own words.

"Perhaps what I'm being called to do is simply see the situations of my life..all from a different point of view, not "start anew" but start with a "new view" and a different understanding.  Perhaps that is what "Among the Sunflowers" will evolve into. Only God knows."

Sometimes the answer is simply, "Wait."

There is no work in life 

so hard as waiting, 

and yet I say, wait...

Wait, and be not afraid.

God Calling p. 38-39

And so I wait...on the house and God's will for us there...and I try to stay open so that I can be moved...maybe to write...

I go forward!

P.S.  We won the online auction for the house and moved in here in October.  Now to stay open to the writing that's been on my heart for over 10 years!

Words are Inadequate to Express a Grandmother's Love

"When a loving child is by you, is the nearness only 

that you provide protection and help for that little one?

Rather, too, that in that little child you may find joy and 

cheer and comfort it its simplicity, its love, its trust.

So, too, it is in your power to comfort and 

bring joy to my heart."

- God Calling

July 27, 2013

What a perfect reading for me today! I looked at it and read it and tears began to form in my eyes as I heard Matt say, "Mom, are you up? Nina won't go back to sleep!"

So I open my arms and bring Nina close to my chest and breathe in her baby smell and feel
her chubby little hands reach up for my face as she breaks into a huge smile and crinkles up her nose. (Maybe it's my stinky morning breath, but she doesn't seem to mind much!)

It's true that being in the presence of a little one who loves you and adores you is so special.  It is love in its most basic and simple form...pure joy in your presence! I am blessed to be here with precious Nina, Matt and Amanda.  I think through my relationships with children in general and through these relationships...I have seen and known God, and because of that, I understand how God feels about me.

God is never too busy to answer the questions, (Grandma, why....?) (Grammi....) God shows no lack of patience for me as I continually seek the answers. I hope God has that "grandmotherly" patience for me. It seems like I have more patience now as a grandma than I did as a mom.  It swells up inside me and washes over me..."life is too short!"  and..."the moments pass so quickly".

I'm devouring every minute I am with these precious ones of mine.  I am sure God is his or her own way, too, devours each moment that we spend in His presence.

The feelings come and go and words are inadequate to express the love and joy I feel during the "times" I have.  I may not even have time to record them or even process them
because I am "in" them and they run trough me as my own life's blood.

Thank you, Lord, for this day and these moments!

My "Sunflower" Moments