That wedge between us!

My husband and I celebrated our 34th wedding anniversary this past month, July 20th, to be exact.  It was a wonderful evening of celebration.  We went out for a nice dinner and talked and shared the best and worst  of our years together.  I don't think that either one of us would do anything differently and we certainly shared and agreed about the good and the not so good. Mostly they were good memories, however. The evening was indeed a sunflower moment for me, relaxing, peaceful, and full of love.  I thank God for our love and the time we have to enjoy it.

We are dealing now with the uncertainty of our son living at home with us and with the unsettling events of the past month, it is difficult for us to be together and talk, dream, enjoy each other without that ever present cloud of doubt for the future.  This ever present "wedge" seems to come between us and we end up frustrated with each other. Tonight my husband prayed for "wisdom". We both need it! We both know intuitively that our lives are so much more than what our son does, but we still worry and struggle with all of the "what ifs"?  Each day I give my concerns over to God, and the day goes by.  Suddenly night falls and I cannot seem to get things off of my mind. Daily I persevere.

When I was away for a few days, helping our daughter with our new beautiful grandson, Jack, it seemed so simple.  I could detach and be comfortable.  I am not having that much luck doing it now that I am home and we still have so many unresolved issues. Sometimes I just want to leave and be on my own.  But as they say in recovery programs, "Wherever you go, there you are!"  I doubt the thoughts would stop if I were alone.  I pray to God for relief and a sharing of this doubt that I seem to be carrying with me these days.  

My grandson is so beautiful! I am tonight longing to hold him and look into his precious face and just enjoy!  I remember those days with my children.  Blissful! But, I cannot go back to my own babies, only forward! God willing!