A New Heart?

Seems like the weeks have been flying by!  Why is that? Where have the "sunflower moments" gone? I am already back at school, trying to get to know new students and getting back into the swing of things.  Today was the first day of school...I am feeling a bit tired.

I have just learned that I have the beginnings of "heart failure".  I have always had a mitral valve prolapse, but never really worried about that too much.  After a check up in August, I learned that the heart is not pumping effectively and that I may need a pacemaker/defibrillator  at some point in the future. Again, where are the "sunflower moments"?  I am having a difficult time wrapping my mind around this whole concept of growing older, and having health problems.  God gave Doug a second chance a couple of times with his stents and we have been so grateful!  Now, God, what?  What do you have in store for me? See Ezekiel 36:26-27

"I will give you a new heart and put  a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.  And I will put my Spirit in you and move you..."

I am ready to be moved in some way, I feel it in my soul that some change is about to take place.  I just know that I am not ready to give up on living.  God has spoken to me through a song that I have been walking to by the Newsboys.   The last refrain echoes this last line...and when I hear it I feel that God is speaking to me through the music.

"There is so much more for you........There is so much more for you.......There is so much more for you...."

I trust that this is true!  Whatever it is or wherever it takes me I am willing.  Of course, I have my own ideas of what I'd like it to be: resting peacefully in a field of sunflowers, loved by my family and friends, healthy and whole emotionally and physically, resting in complete trust that the end will be pleasant.  I guess I really can't know yet!

Mike is again looking at going back to school.  He wants to go up to Kenosha to live near his girlfriend.  I am trying very hard to just stay out of the way.  I just can't seem to let go of the thought that he really needs help and support to get healthy and stable himself.  I truly don't know how to help him in a healthy way.  I truly don't.  I just ask God daily for wisdom and discernment, patience and the ability to step out of the way and let Mike do the things he needs to do for himself.  I doubt.  Then I tell myself that doubt means that I don't trust God to help Mike figure things out.....and I don't want to be lacking in faith so I just work on "letting go" and "letting go"  and clinging to my faith in God.

How can I feel anything but wonderful when I see the smile of my 1 month old grandson?  I love him so much!  His smile brightens my evening!

That wedge between us!

My husband and I celebrated our 34th wedding anniversary this past month, July 20th, to be exact.  It was a wonderful evening of celebration.  We went out for a nice dinner and talked and shared the best and worst  of our years together.  I don't think that either one of us would do anything differently and we certainly shared and agreed about the good and the not so good. Mostly they were good memories, however. The evening was indeed a sunflower moment for me, relaxing, peaceful, and full of love.  I thank God for our love and the time we have to enjoy it.

We are dealing now with the uncertainty of our son living at home with us and with the unsettling events of the past month, it is difficult for us to be together and talk, dream, enjoy each other without that ever present cloud of doubt for the future.  This ever present "wedge" seems to come between us and we end up frustrated with each other. Tonight my husband prayed for "wisdom". We both need it! We both know intuitively that our lives are so much more than what our son does, but we still worry and struggle with all of the "what ifs"?  Each day I give my concerns over to God, and the day goes by.  Suddenly night falls and I cannot seem to get things off of my mind. Daily I persevere.

When I was away for a few days, helping our daughter with our new beautiful grandson, Jack, it seemed so simple.  I could detach and be comfortable.  I am not having that much luck doing it now that I am home and we still have so many unresolved issues. Sometimes I just want to leave and be on my own.  But as they say in recovery programs, "Wherever you go, there you are!"  I doubt the thoughts would stop if I were alone.  I pray to God for relief and a sharing of this doubt that I seem to be carrying with me these days.  

My grandson is so beautiful! I am tonight longing to hold him and look into his precious face and just enjoy!  I remember those days with my children.  Blissful! But, I cannot go back to my own babies, only forward! God willing!