Sad Sunflower Moments

Is it possible to be so sad and grieving and at the same time to feel loved and welcome?  Why was is so hard to say goodbye yesterday to a wonderful friend who is finally at peace, with God, watching us from above as we shared  our memories?  At the same time it felt so good to all be together to be a part of his memorial. I give God so many "Thanks" for the life of my friend, Steve, who passed away on April 21, 2009, after a struggle with cancer.  

I marvel at the privilege I was given to know such a wonderful group of people who all gathered yesterday to celebrate his life.  I wonder how it came to be that I have had the honor to have known this man, who was such a good person to the core, and how God worked to arrange my life to intertwine with his in unsuspected ways almost 30 years ago. Life and death are mysteries to me.  

As my friend said to me yesterday, we take life on faith.  There exists that power, the power of God.  When we allow that power to lead our lives, strange and wonderful relationships, fun, memories and experiences shape our days and can bring us such wonder.  I believe it is that power that brought me into that group of life-long friends.  I thank God for that.  I thank God for welcoming Steve home into a better place.  Someday I'll see him again.

Could I have had a sunflower moment yesterday amongst my dear friends while we were grieving?  

Could it be that the special moments and relationships became clearer as we celebrated in sorrow?  I believe it was a sunflower moment for me.  

Struggling

Today I was singing along with the congregation at church the song, "Worthy is the Lamb".

Alleluia, Alleluia

Our Lord God Almighty reigns

It goes on and on and we repeated the lines over and over again like a prayer...

Worthy is the lamb, worthy is the lamb

You are holy, you are holy

I was so caught up in the music that I began to imagine myself walking in the shoes of Abraham. A parent who was given an order by God to take his own son, his only son, up on to the top of a mountain and offer him as a sacrifice to God.

I imagined myself trying to lift my burdens up to the top of a mountain, to push them, cajole them, drag them up to the top of that mountain fulling intending and trying to give them over to God. I was struggling so with the image of me trying to do that.  I used every power known to me, physical power, mental power and the power of prayer.  I actually felt the burden of this struggle in my physical body.

I was on the verge of actually making some progress in heaving this heavy, limp, reluctant burden up and over to God....but just at that moment the lamb appeared...

Worthy is the lamb, worthy is the lamb

For you are Holy, you are Holy!

So the lamb appears. He is the lamb.  The risen Christ is the lamb, offered by God, so that Abraham didn't have to sacrifice his son, and neither do I have to struggle so to get those burdens of mine up and over a mountain.

The struggle is over for me.  I cannot drag my burdens to God as a sacrifice using my own powers of control, physical strength and fortitude, sheer effort and the constant struggling. The Lamb has arrived to take their place. The struggle is over.  I can only pray ....and thank God for the lamb.

Worthy is the lamb, worthy is the lamb

For He is holy, holy!

I ask God for the power to do what He would have me do.  And give thanks for the sacrificial lamb that takes the place of the burdens I try to carry.  Mostly unsuccessfully, I might add.

I ask God for the power to carry out His will for me.

Step 11:

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Genesis 20: 16-18

"This is what the Lord says: Because you have obeyed me and have not withheld even your beloved son, I swear by my own self that I will bless you richly."

It came to me along time ago...

I had this vision about 5 years ago...and it was very meaningful to me.  I came across a written copy of it amongst some papers that I was cleaning out.  It has powerful images for me today as it did 5 years ago.

I had to fight off thoughts of school and home briefly and finally a sense of peace and calm and floating came to me.  I still felt pain in my shoulder but I didn't fight it, but accepted that it was an injury that existed.  "I am not my body" kept coming to me, so I was able to detach for a few moments from the physical part of me that often carries pain.  I felt very relaxed and open.

I imagine that I am sitting in Segovia, Spain...looking over the beautiful landscape from high up on the road.  I see the ancient "acueducto", the cathedral, the mountains in the distance.  I walk down a rugged dry dirt path to a small square, patio or plaza...alone there is no one there.  I sit on a small metal chair.  I sense beauty and peace, yet I do not notice details.  A figure dressed all in white appears, Christ himself, as I recognize him.  He approaches me and hands me a beautiful, whole, bright red  heart and gently places it in my hands.  He places his hands over mine around the heart and gives me a reassuring squeeze.  As he turns to leave, he looks me squarely in the eyes with confidence.  No words are spoken.  There is just the feeling of peace, healing and serenity.

Why did I find these thoughts, images, feelings written down, today?

I need to remember that Christ himself brings me a whole, unbroken, beautiful heart.  That he reaches out for me with his hands and reassures me.  That he looks me squarely in the eyes and without saying a word, gives me confidence.

This is powerful for me.  I am  prayerful and meditative today.  Wanting so much for life to be good, instead of taking life on life's terms.  Realizing that only Christ has the power to heal me, my broken heart, my eyes that don't see.