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Monday, August 24, 2009

Up at the Lake

When I was just ten years old, my parents purchased a piece of property on a small lake in Wisconsin named "Clear Lake".  The water in the lake was so clear at that time that you could see all the way to the bottom of the lake in all but the deepest water.  It was crystal clear and beautiful.  

Through the years my family visited the lake often...almost every weekend.  We started by cutting paths through the brush and trees to make paths and we set up a tent in a small clearing.  There was always so much work to do...cutting down the brush and small trees, putting in a well and a little outhouse in the woods.  We cooked over an open fire and a hibachi grill and swam in the lake at a beach down the way.  My dad purchased an aluminum boat and some oars and my sisters and I would go out in the boat for hours, singing camp songs and enjoying the lake.  I caught my first fish at Clear Lake and even once a large snapping turtle.  One summer I collected 21 frogs in my Girl Scout sweatshirt pocket and brought them back to show my parents.  Finally we let them all go after my dad suggested "frog legs" for a snack!

There are many memories that I have of time spent at Clear Lake. Over the years our little campsite grew into a garage(for storing the camping gear), a garage with a porch and windows(where we stayed instead of the tent), a garage with an addition, kitchen and basement that later evolved into my parents' summer home and in 1986, their retirement home.

"Clear Lake" is what we call the place now.  "Let's go up to Clear Lake" means "Let's go up to Wisconsin and stay at  grandma's home!"  It is so much more than just a beautiful, clear, little lake!  So many memories were made there! Many first fish were caught there, many first boat rides, many wonderful barbecues were cooked, and many card games were played there.(Monopoly also!)  I think that the place, Clear Lake, grew to be so much more than a place for all of us in my family.

Journal from "A Day at the Lake":

This is a beautiful morning!  I am up in Wisconsin at mom's lake house.  It is beautiful as it always is to sit at her kitchen table and look out the window at the lake, to listen to the birds and watch the neighbors fish on the dock.  This is the feeling I want to recreate in a retirement home for us....the same restful healing, loving place of restoration for the soul.  As I think of it, I realize that it is not possible to recreate that feeling away from this place because the feeling comes from the history here, the memories here, the love of family , the joy of exploration, the kids growing up! I know I need to allow God to create for us a new "sanctuary" for our own family, but it is hard to accept that this is possible when the feelings of "home" are so strong for me here!

When I am up at the lake,  my mind always floats to images of the past here- the wonderful yesterdays of my childhood, with mom and dad working so hard to make this a home., the kids playing in the water, learning how to fish, boat , water ski.  Dad's spirit seems to be here sometimes.  I feel it.  I can almost picture him leaning against his rake, looking out on the water.  

I know that my family feels the same way about Clear Lake.  My sister  loves to come and get away from the responsibilities she faces daily and read a book or two, and just  bask in relaxation.  It's extra special when mom takes care of us as well.

My youngest son, Michael wrote a song about Clear Lake.  I'll share the lyrics with you here.  I hope you enjoy it!

Clear Lake by Michael Mehlan (2009)

And if these walls could talk
They'd tell a story
of my family
so candidly.

And it these old trees
could see
They wouldn't understand
what they mean to me.

They share all these things you see
They're loving things
Like a canopy.

It's where me 
and my brother
pretended
We could walk on water.

And out on this lake
Where we escaped
We played in its wake

And on the ice
We skated around 
Each others' advice

We played on this beach
The sandy way
on a sunny day

And if these walls could talk
They'd tell a story
of my family
so candidly.

And if these trees could see
They wouldn't understand
what they mean to me.

But the water will rise
But the water will rise
The water will rise
The water will rise
And consume the fire.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

I Don't Like Failure

A little over a year ago, I was diagnosed with Heart Failure.  The official term is Idiopathic Cardiomyopathy which really sounds better to me,  more technical and medical than dealing with any part of me that is a "failure".  It means Heart Failure of an unknown cause. 

You see, I have a problem with failure.  It is not an option for me.  I just really have a hard time accepting failure.  Maybe it's because I am a teacher and the daughter of a teacher and a father who also had high expectations.  I always strove for good grades in school and always did well. It did produce some anxiety for me from time to time, but I always managed to be successful in school.  Now I am a teacher, and when I am dealing with a student who is not doing well, it becomes my mission to help them to do better, to find success somehow.  Failure is not an option.

When I heard that I had Heart Failure, I was truly taken by surprise.  I have taken care of myself most of the time during my life.  I don't smoke, drink excessively, do drugs etc.   I have exercised regularly, watched my weight, seen the doctor regularly.....and my heart is still "failing"!

Throughout the last year I have had two procedures to place a pacemaker and resynchronization device into my heart to help delay the progression of the Heart Failure.  I'm sure I am no different than any other person who has been diagnosed with a life threatening disease.  There needs to be a time of acceptance and dealing with the immediate medical procedures to help me....but failure, that is not something easy for me to take.

Having my body fail me has brought up other thoughts about failure that have weighed heavy on my heart. (literally!)

I have been thinking about parenting children.  I wanted to be a good mom!  I tried everything that I could do to ensure that my children would not fail.  I sent my sister an email one time that had the words "Failure Notice" in the subject title. She responded that she was freaked out thinking the email was coming from one of her boys' schools!  I think we are a lot alike, my sister and I! We both take our children's successes and failures so much to heart.

I remember driving in the car one day, so down because my son had failed almost every class he had taken at college one semester.  I was so down about it....feeling like I myself, had failed. God clearly spoke to me in the silence of the car that day and said to me, "Gail, you did not fail!"  This was not my failure. Somehow I felt like a failure anyway.  That fear of failure or the failure of someone near and dear to me...that it is somehow a reflection on me.  I have such deep seated fears of failure...maybe I have been such a people pleaser that I attempted to control my situations by excelling academically.  That was my way of being "good".

"There are no failures only outcomes". (A quote from a Facebook application) 

When I heard that small voice telling me to "Take care of your family."  I immediately began to look at  all of those painful memories...the areas of my life when I felt like I had failed. Maybe I didn't take care well enough in some situations.  Maybe I have been a failure as a mom.

If you are a good parent, your child ought to turn out "right", right?  When I look at my children's lives, I wonder and I judge, I actually judge them and myself on standards that are not mine to set.  I feel the guilt, what did I do?  Where did I go wrong?

I battle these feelings of failure each and everyday....that some defect in me has been the cause of my perceptions of failure. I don't get it. I don't understand.  But I do know that I am who I am and the story is not over yet for me or for my children.

I know that I have cared for my family and will continue to show them love and respect.  We have had some wonderful family moments and actually only God knows the "rest of the story"! God must have a purpose for my failures.  I believe that He does.  I may not always see what that purpose is, but it is something.  

God's Creatures Never Fail
Today I will accept my Heart Failure as simply a health problem that I am dealing with.  My Heart Failure is not a failure to love or care for the people in my life.  My Heart  Failure is not a lacking of my heart to feel, love and give the best I have to offer. This broken heart of mine can continue to pray for and lift up all of the people I love.  I can intercede for them today by giving them all up to the One who love us all.