God with us!

"Behold the virgin shall be with child, and bear a Son, and they shall call His name Immanuel." which is translated, "God with us."Matthew 1:23

I'm sitting listening to Christmas music on the radio,there are  many songs about the baby, Jesus. This is Jack's first Christmas with us and I must confess it is truly one of the miracles of God to hold a baby in your arms. (At least for me!) God was pretty wise, of course, in coming to us in the form of a newborn baby.  He knew that we are all so drawn into a baby in our midst.  I'm actually sitting with Jack right next to me and he is looking at me, smiling, and grabbing for my glasses! It's the smile that grabs the heart! When we were at the mall the other day, many people stopped and engaged in pleasant conversation with the baby and he just smiled and cooed in baby talk right back the them...so cute, so loving, so innocent. I cant' imagine any miracle more profound than the birth of a child...at least none that I've experienced.  I was in awe at each of my children's births and the birth of my grandson.  Isn't each and every birth special?  Truly God's love for us in the birth of his son and the celebration that we engage in, is worthy of special attention.  God with us.

I love the chaos of having all of my children home.  Wild as it seems in the morning or around mealtime,  I am relishing in the sounds of them all being here, home. Things are a mess here, there are clothes, dishes, people all over the house.  Just when I feel overwhelmed, I tell myself I love it, I will survive.  God with us.

The pets my daughter brought with her remind me of the craziness that Mary and Joseph must have experienced in the stable behind the inn.  The animals make noise chase each other around, demand attention, need to go out into the cold, have their feet wiped off....if you have animals, you get the picture.  The smells, the noises, all add to the chaos but also add to the atmosphere of home.  God with us. 

Even the beautiful snow that continues to fall outside brings its own beauty and splendor, a celebration of its own!  God reminds us that He is in control of all of the universe, the splendor and the terror of weather out of control.  I see the clean, white snowflakes falling nonstop and think of God's power, God's ability to cleanse us white as snow. Beautiful, mysterious, God's presence made known to us yet again.  God with us.

Early this morning, I had a few moments alone with God.  I savored the time.  The lights on the Christmas tree made me feel like it was a special time.  In the quiet, in the silence, I felt His presence in my life.  I am grateful.  God with us.

So this Christmas, as you hold a baby in your arms (borrow one if you have to!), spend chaotic family time with those you love and don't often see, enjoy and care for your pets, look out at the wintery weather, or spend time alone with God,  rest assured that He is in our midst each and every day!  

Blessings to everyone this Christmas eve!

Skeletons new album, Money

Rich people think they are wise, 

but a poor person with discernment 

can see right through them.

Proverbs 28:11

I am the recent recipient of a wonderful gift, my son, Matthew, has just released a new CD and he left one on the table when he was in town with his band to do a show in Chicago.  I opened the CD one morning and took one look at the inside cover artwork and was immediately appalled. The drawings on the inside of the CD were in my opinion, pornographic and inappropriate.  I was immediately turned off and put the CD down.  I did not listen to it on that day, not for many days actually,....I did not understand.

Several weeks later, at the end of their tour across the country.  Matt's band was again in Chicago and I had the opportunity to go to see him perform live in a bar in downtown Chicago. I usually don't venture out to these types of situations, but on that day, I decided to support my son and see what this was all about.  On the way downtown, my younger son, Mike, popped the CD into my player and we listened to it in the car on the way to the show.  I must admit, I was pleasantly surprised by the music.  I promised myself that I would write a review of his music from my personal perspective....his mother.  It should be interesting.  I don't know if I will ever understand it completely, but I do know that music is very personal and that I can hear my son's lament in the words and tones of his music.  About this, I will attempt to write on this blog.  

The first impression that I have is that the music on this CD cannot be compared to any other music that I have heard.  There are many sounds that come through the speakers and the way they flow together is just part of who my son is.  Matt has always taken sounds...like the horns from the traffic in NYC to the birds chirping in the back yard and blended it into his music.  The "music" is a mixture of his own inner rhythms, drum beats, chords, sounds, and clanking radiator pipes.  Some critics have likened the music to jazz, and there is some of that feel to it.  It also is a noisy blend of sounds, instruments, chords, and irregular beats.  I resonate with it as it sounds a bit like my own irregular heartbeat.  Matt has always, since he was a very young child, been able to  put sounds together in interesting and unusual ways.  I admire this talent of his.  Some of the music is not easy to listen to.  Some of it is loud and dissonnant.   Some of it is jazzy.  Some of it is sweet and pleasant.  All of it is Matt and his fellow band members, expressing their  own sound, their own way.  Some of it I don't understand, but I do find it interesting.  My favorite tune is track 8, "The Masks".  I' ll speak of that later.   I am no music critic, however,  but I do appreciate the artistry and the poetry of this album.

The first few lines of the CD are softly sung by my son as a lament for the lack of " things" in his life...in fact the entire CD is a lashing out and a frustration against the draw of material "things" in his life.  He sings:

Fill my pockets FULL

maybe if I prayed the sun would shine for me? take away all the things that trouble me?

Fill my pockets FULL 

my fridge with food to eat?

but I don't have the time.

I believe that Matt is struggling to survive, literally, to have enough money to pay the bills, buy food, and have a roof over his head.  Somehow the things he wants to do in life have become attached to the need to have enough...enough of the "Things" he needs. He doesn't want to "sell out" to the media...to the materialistic world and compromise his music, his style, to be what the world tells him to be. Somehow prayer doesn't seem to be a priority to him...or maybe there is not enough FAITH there, to accept that God will and does provide.  He has and He will. 

As I said earlier, I interpret this whole CD as an outcry against the materialism of this world. Even the distasteful inner packaging with the pictures I find so outrageous  are a wrap up of the whole SEX, MONEY and PACKAGING, that it takes these "things", false pretenses, outward signs, money, to survive in this world. The pictures have a certain "shock" value because when you open the CD you don't expect it.  It also sends a message that the material within will be something "enticing" when it is not about that.  "This" is really about  "That".  It always seems to work that way.

In God's word we find almost the very same message: 1 Peter 3:3-4

Don't be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, 

expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes.  

You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within,

the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit,

which is do precious to God.

I'm sure my son will cringe as I compare his lyrics to Bible verses, but I did make a connection there and this is where I am at in my life.  I especially felt this message on Track 3 where the lyrics speak of the 

blackest of the berries lie closest to the ground the weight of their 

juice brings all the branches down 

the best form a pillow for the rest to fall down 

on and on and on and

THEY'RE USING YOU!

as a rung

each step a fleshy one

the bees are just there 

to scare you.

As I attempt to interpret that in my "motherly" manner, I perceive the "blackest of the berries" to be the best and the juiciest ones.  These end up on the ground and the rest of the berries land on top of them.  The line "THEY'RE USING YOU!" makes me think that the song refers to being good, either good in your soul, or good at what you do, and having others use you for their own benefit.  The "bees" that fly around and annoy and scare you, but don't really do you much harm.

These "bees" could be little small annoyances that can get you down, scare you, but really don't do you any harm.  It's the other berries you need to watch out for!  I'm not sure that I have it right, but it is an interesting thought.  As I mentioned, this is interesting music with thought provoking lyrics.

On track two, "The THINGS", Matt writes of the way the large "Things" in life overtake you slowly without really noticing the changes.  

The THINGS

you don't even notice slides in all glacier like. you like the 

moment that catches on like a grease fire.

But it breathes down your backhand whispers in your ear 

and tries to tell you

things

tell you THESE things

Perhaps the "THINGS" he is referring to is that inner knowledge of how to handle the things of the real world.  How to get things, how to  manage things, how to achieve things, how to know what life is all about.  It is that illusive knowledge that we never realize we have...like we think someone else is so much smarter about life than we are....we waste a lot of time trying to get somewhere that we fail to see how far we've already come.  We want to get things...but we look past what is in front of us!  I think I understand that feeling.  The "THINGS" are the secrets of life that we cannot really figure out.  Matt's lyrics continue:

the parents of your parent's parent's parents know

THESE THINGS

the children of rich men know 

THESE THINGS

THINGS this big move so slow you can't tell they 

move at all.

As Matt's parent, I for one have not figured these "THINGS" out.  Perhaps Matt thinks we have things figured out...but we don't know anything, really.  For me, being able to give my uncertainties up to the God of my understanding, helps me when the "THINGS" are just too big for my little human brain and body to process.  Some things are just too big for us to know.  I think the lyrics also refer to a larger than us reference:

I've seen the moon get bright and act like a searchlight looking for all the things

lost in the night, looking for the dead men stuck to the river's floor,

looking for reasons, looking for reasons, looking for...

Perhaps the moon and the searchlight are metaphors for a God...I'm not sure...perhaps just for man searching for reasons....constantly searching.

Daniel 2:22

He reveals deep and mysterious

things

and know what lies hidden in 

darkness,

though he is surrounded by light.

Maybe I have the answer that works for me, that helps me understand.  Perhaps I don't.  I believe that Matt is still searching and hoping that there is a "searchlight" out there looking for reasons.

Track 8 is by far, my favorite.  It is a soft, sweet tune and the words are beautiful. Matt's singing is clear and emotive.  I like that.  This song speaks of coming into yourself and feeling comfortable in your own skin...knowing your true authentic self.  

you got my time if you want it you got my faith too, to do this

we'll build a home in the space around us

no matter how small the room

then your act becomes true

the masks melt down

It is really a love song, too....about a love so deep that you can be your true self in that place you share together.

You can only act so much when a love gets deep.

I don't know why this song touched me so...perhaps I am just so mainstream that the soft sweet melody and the pretty lyrics just touched me.  I hope you'll take a listen to this song.  http://www.skeletons.tv

One other song on this new album is worth mentioning as well.  I think of it as a "HOPE" song.  I am a big fan of hope.  I always find something to be hopeful about.  This song is called "STEPPER" and is track 4.  It has a great rhythm and interesting lyrics as well.  It really speaks of keeping on in the face of continual struggles.  All he hoped for was a big box of "Normal", but never got it.  Instead he says:

I don't even care if I bump into whatever's near I'm gonna keep moving!

I'm not one to give up you know me better than that!

I'm working!

I need that check at the end of the month.

I'm gonna keep moving!

I'm gonna get paid enough to survive so I quit complaining for once  in my life.

So he's going to keep moving forward, working hard, getting by, I just hope he doesn't lose sight of the joys of the here and now.  It was fun to be in Chicago and to see all of the young people who came to support him and his music.  Many of his friends from childhood who are still in the Chicago area came to the show.  It was a great moment, a reunion of sorts, and I think we all need to  stop and relax and just be in the moment.  I saw my son do that as he performed his music...lost in the sounds and the production of it.  It was a good moment for me to see as his mom.  For me, seeing him in his element, was a "sunflower moment"...one of those rare moments when you can see that things are as they should be, for the moment, and you can enjoy something different just for what it is.

So, if you want to listen to something very interesting and musically its own rare breed, feel free to visit their website.  Skeleton's "Money" has been released by Tomlab.

(Hey, Matt,  know that I love you and that I don't really understand what it all means, this is just my take on it.  I enjoyed it!  Take it for what it's worth but not too much too heart.)

Another Quiet Evening

The In-laws, Two Special People

Here I sit again, another quiet evening and I'm enjoying it.  Peaceful.  I've checked out the latest blogs about my son's band, Skeletons, and their new CD recently released called "Money".  Very interesting, but I don't understand.  

I'm reading emails and surprisingly, some of the stuff that is shared really touched my heart! One of my friends was speaking about her mother in law who just recently passed away on Saturday. She regretted that she had never told her mother in law how much she appreciated her for the many reasons that made her special.  
Now she is no longer with them.

I began to think.  Have I communicated to Doug's parents just how much I love and appreciate them?  Have I thanked them for raising a good man, a good father, a wonderful husband? Have I let them know how much I appreciated being welcomed into their family and accepted as a daughter in law?  Have I told them that they have had such a powerfully positive influence on my children?  I believe I need to do it today...or very, very soon.  Life is too short and we take these special people for granted sometimes.  Doug's dad is recovering from pneumonia and is in the hospital right now.  Why is it so hard to speak the things that are on our minds in the present moment?  Why do we choke on these words of love and reflection until often it is too late?  I pray that God will give me the chance to speak these kind words to Doug's parents before it is too late.

I just hope they don't think I'm being weird!  (I guess there are worse things to be!) I'd better get on it!  PEACE!

A Prayer for our Nation

I am not much of a political fanatic at all, but tonight, on the eve of a very big election, I feel the need to just add a prayer for our nation to the airwaves.  No matter the outcome of tomorrow's election, I know that our country, government, president-to-be and all persons involved in government need our constant uplifting of them in prayer.

God, bless our nation as we go forward tomorrow and vote to choose a new president that we all do so with the best of intentions and a positive hope for the future.  Help us all to accept the outcome and support our new president, whatever the outcome be.  Keep our country strong and focused on helpful and positive agendas that further the rights of all Americans.  Bless our new president and hold him firmly close to you as we move into a new administration.  Amen

Face to Face with Mortality

Last week I was driving home from work.  It was a beautiful, cool, sunny fall day.  I was listening to the radio and minding my own business.  At a stoplight, as I was waiting for the light to change and the traffic to move on, I was rammed from behind by a Ford 150 pick-up truck! After the hit from behind, my car slammed into the car in front of me as well...so I was hit on both ends.  For a moment I just sat there and stared into space....a bit shaken up, I finally got out of the car and came face to face with the man who hit me and the woman who I hit.  I took one look at my car and suddenly felt so sad.  I really have an emotional attachment to that car!  As the paramedic checked me out, he said to me, "Cars can be replaced, you cannot be!  Are you all right?"  Yes, I was and I am.  I have been thinking about my own mortality though during the past few weeks and months.  Maybe I am feeling like I'm on the other side of the hill now, heading for the grave someday.  I always thought that would be later rather than sooner, and I hope it will be, but I doubt that I will live another 56 years!  So I am getting closer to that time.  I know I am not afraid...it's just that I'm not ready yet!  Things can happen so quickly!  I sat on the grass the other day, just praising God for protecting me and keeping me safe....for now!

Psalm 23

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall not fear for thou art with me..."

Thanks be to God for walking, (and driving) with me!

Birthday Ruminations

Today is my 56th birthday.  I am now closer to 60 than to 50.  The sound of the numbers is appalling to me as I actually don't feel that much different than the me at 25, 30, 40, 50...the decades march on.  How can I be this old?  I had a great day at school with the kids.  They are so sweet and so happy when they are celebrating a birthday. They all wanted to give me gifts, and a few did.  So very thoughtful and so very unnecessary.  I know most of the families cannot afford it! I was touched by their thoughtfulness anyway!  One of my students sent me a card that said, "Happy Bird Day"  and I laughed so hard, I almost lost control of myself.  It was just so cute and so typical of my ELL students! What fun!  

It is nice to be remembered and loved.  I can go to sleep tonight feeling special.  My own children called me as well...I'm sure they had a bit of prompting from their dad, but a call is nice none the less.  So far, it has been a great birthday!

My favorite Psalm, has the line in it:

"Your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."  Psalm 139:16

I feel like my days have been numbered.  56 years full of days and nights and they keep on coming.  I wish more of them could have been "Sunflower Days", but even with the difficulties, I can honestly say that more of them were than were not.  Part of what makes a "Sunflower Day" is just being aware of the good and stopping and enjoying the time we have here.  God has written it in his book....let it be!

I received a card from a friend that I haven't seen for awhile.  She must have stopped by and dropped it between the doors while I was gone.  I wish I could have seen her.  I am surprised she remembered my birthday.  We used to be neighbors and saw each other regularly.  Now life just seems so busy.  There really is no excuse for not taking the time to look at the flowers, or our friends, or our loved ones. I don't know what my excuse is....I just need to do it!  Happy Birthday to myself.  I have had a happy day! I hope you have had one too!

Quiet Today

I am sitting here at home, quietly reading email, Facebook, and blogging...who ever would have thought! What a way to put down ideas and thoughts for the whole world to see. I can't believe the quiet. The cicadas and crickets are singing a chorus to me through the back patio window. It is getting dark so early. I am waiting for Doug to come home....no pets, no children, no noisy guitar playing or piano chords billowing from the other rooms, no TV on, just quiet and the soft clicking of the computer keys as I type. Why does the quiet make me slightly anxious? It's like I'm waiting for something to happen, or for someone to come home, to have company. It must be hard to be alone all of the time. I'm not used to it...though I've often longed for this. I will turn my attention to the message of the moment....the quiet message that this day is going quickly past me...this day I have had to enjoy and work and live. I give gratitude to God for the ability to reflect and then ENJOY the peace and the quiet. AMEN to that!

My Family

I am absolutely in love with my family today!  I appreciate each and every one of them and love them so much! We recently had a family party to welcome our new grandson, Jack!   It was one of those rare moments these days when we were all together.  Matt was home from NYC.  Michelle was here with Jack and Brian, and Mike was still at home before his adventure to Kenosha.  I just felt so complete with all of us there together!  It was a very beautiful day....not just the weather, but the sunny feeling in my heart and the love I felt for everyone.  "It was a sunflower day!"

Down is Up! (Maybe)

"Maybe down is up!"  This is a comment a friend of mine made to me the other day when we were discussing the disappointing behavior of our children as they are making their way through adolescence and young adulthood.  What I think she meant is:  When they go down, and make unhealthy decisions, there is only one way to go once you hit the bottom, and that's up! (Hopefully!)  I've been observing my son, Mike, go through yet another transition in his life, yet another new beginning.  Today he's writing songs that say, "It's all right, it's all right". Maybe I make too much of that phrase, hoping that this time things will work out well for him. 

Doug and I were talking last night and both of us are still feeling like we must discipline him or "control" the outcomes of this recent attempt to give him his wings.  I think I have really come to the point of complete surrender.  My job is done.  I believe I did it well.  I'm not writing him off or ending our relationship, but I cannot be in control or be the "parent" in the same way I used to.  It is time for him to fly on his own. This is my prayer:

I pray that God will watch over him as he starts again at college, this time in Kenosha at Carthage.  I pray that he continues to grow in his relationship with his girlfriend and that he makes new friends.  I pray that he seeks out spiritual guides and a healthy lifestyle. I pray for him to find out who he is and how he can be in the world on his own terms in his own way but in a way that seeks God's plan in all of this. I pray he finds some peace.

There.  I've prayed it...I no longer control it.  It is in God's hands.

A New Heart?

Seems like the weeks have been flying by!  Why is that? Where have the "sunflower moments" gone? I am already back at school, trying to get to know new students and getting back into the swing of things.  Today was the first day of school...I am feeling a bit tired.

I have just learned that I have the beginnings of "heart failure".  I have always had a mitral valve prolapse, but never really worried about that too much.  After a check up in August, I learned that the heart is not pumping effectively and that I may need a pacemaker/defibrillator  at some point in the future. Again, where are the "sunflower moments"?  I am having a difficult time wrapping my mind around this whole concept of growing older, and having health problems.  God gave Doug a second chance a couple of times with his stents and we have been so grateful!  Now, God, what?  What do you have in store for me? See Ezekiel 36:26-27

"I will give you a new heart and put  a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.  And I will put my Spirit in you and move you..."

I am ready to be moved in some way, I feel it in my soul that some change is about to take place.  I just know that I am not ready to give up on living.  God has spoken to me through a song that I have been walking to by the Newsboys.   The last refrain echoes this last line...and when I hear it I feel that God is speaking to me through the music.

"There is so much more for you........There is so much more for you.......There is so much more for you...."

I trust that this is true!  Whatever it is or wherever it takes me I am willing.  Of course, I have my own ideas of what I'd like it to be: resting peacefully in a field of sunflowers, loved by my family and friends, healthy and whole emotionally and physically, resting in complete trust that the end will be pleasant.  I guess I really can't know yet!

Mike is again looking at going back to school.  He wants to go up to Kenosha to live near his girlfriend.  I am trying very hard to just stay out of the way.  I just can't seem to let go of the thought that he really needs help and support to get healthy and stable himself.  I truly don't know how to help him in a healthy way.  I truly don't.  I just ask God daily for wisdom and discernment, patience and the ability to step out of the way and let Mike do the things he needs to do for himself.  I doubt.  Then I tell myself that doubt means that I don't trust God to help Mike figure things out.....and I don't want to be lacking in faith so I just work on "letting go" and "letting go"  and clinging to my faith in God.

How can I feel anything but wonderful when I see the smile of my 1 month old grandson?  I love him so much!  His smile brightens my evening!

That wedge between us!

My husband and I celebrated our 34th wedding anniversary this past month, July 20th, to be exact.  It was a wonderful evening of celebration.  We went out for a nice dinner and talked and shared the best and worst  of our years together.  I don't think that either one of us would do anything differently and we certainly shared and agreed about the good and the not so good. Mostly they were good memories, however. The evening was indeed a sunflower moment for me, relaxing, peaceful, and full of love.  I thank God for our love and the time we have to enjoy it.

We are dealing now with the uncertainty of our son living at home with us and with the unsettling events of the past month, it is difficult for us to be together and talk, dream, enjoy each other without that ever present cloud of doubt for the future.  This ever present "wedge" seems to come between us and we end up frustrated with each other. Tonight my husband prayed for "wisdom". We both need it! We both know intuitively that our lives are so much more than what our son does, but we still worry and struggle with all of the "what ifs"?  Each day I give my concerns over to God, and the day goes by.  Suddenly night falls and I cannot seem to get things off of my mind. Daily I persevere.

When I was away for a few days, helping our daughter with our new beautiful grandson, Jack, it seemed so simple.  I could detach and be comfortable.  I am not having that much luck doing it now that I am home and we still have so many unresolved issues. Sometimes I just want to leave and be on my own.  But as they say in recovery programs, "Wherever you go, there you are!"  I doubt the thoughts would stop if I were alone.  I pray to God for relief and a sharing of this doubt that I seem to be carrying with me these days.  

My grandson is so beautiful! I am tonight longing to hold him and look into his precious face and just enjoy!  I remember those days with my children.  Blissful! But, I cannot go back to my own babies, only forward! God willing!

New Life, New Chance

July 12, 2008
6:15 AM
Jack Douglas entered the world. He has certainly rocked mine as now I am a grandmother! What an awesome experience! I am in love and the world looks bright now that he is here! Praise God for the many blessings He has bestowed upon my family this month! Amazing!

Fixing my eyes on the Unseen

"Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  2 Corinthians 16-18

Serenity and Sunflowers

His mercies begin afresh each morning.

Just one day after leaving, my son calls again and with tears and a contrite attitude, he asks if he can come home.  I say to him as only a mother can say, "Of course, come on home."

Yet even with some wonderful moments over the weekend, still the man-child is acting out. Police call, he comes in late.  His dad takes care of it so he won't get arrested and thrown into jail. (Controlling? Enabling?)  He is asleep in his room.  At least for this moment I know he is safe.  

Today I am just feeling so incredibly anxious.  Things are not going well in my home with my son and I know there is nothing I can do, there is no "thing" to do, there is only sitting and prayer and asking my Lord to lift me up and help me, to take this burden from me and at least share this heaviness of heart that I'm feeling.  

Psalm 5:1-3

O Lord, hear me as I pray

pay attention to my groaning.

Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God.

for I pray to no one but you.

Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord.

Each morning I bring my requests 

to you and wait expectantly.

Somehow, someway, I know You have the answers that I need to stay "among the sunflowers".

That wonderful place of serenity that only You can give me today.  Yesterday in church, pastor spoke of the burdens of life and being able to carry them with You by our side.

"Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for  your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11: 28-30 

When YOU take up this burden with me I know I can find that peace that passes all understanding.

A Freedom only God can give

With a sickness in my entire body, I told him that he needed for look for another place to live. It was with much sadness that he left, taking with him many of his belongings, his car and guitar.  The house was quiet after he left, except for the sounds of my tears and those of his father.  

This morning during my devotions, God pointed me to a verse in Acts 20 verse 31-32:

 "Watch out! Remember the three years I was with you--my constant watch and care over you night and day, and my many tears for you.

And now I entrust you to God and the message of his grace that is able to build you up and give you an inheritance with all hose he has set apart for himself."

That is what I do today, I entrust him to God and trust that the message of grace will be able to build him up when my efforts always have failed.

I slept peacefully last night. Today is the 4th of July.  I am grateful for my freedom here in the USA.  I am free only through God in all other areas of my life.

A Second Chance

HOPE

Last night at a meeting, we were sharing our thoughts on someone's testimony.  A life lived trying to work the 12 steps, deal with the devastation of addiction and alcoholism, is shared and commented upon.  A wise woman who has lived the program for many years commented that although she hadn't always gotten things right with her daughter while she was growing up, she has learned a great deal along the way.  She feels that God gave her a second chance to get things "right" when He blessed her with grandchildren.  I was so touched by that thought.  I am soon going to be blessed with the birth of baby Jack.  With that life changing event, I will have a second chance for teaching, loving, acceptance and guidance.  I can let God handle the life of Michael and I need not obsess over it.  I must relinquish his life into the hands of the Holy Spirit.  My life focus at this moment will be new life, a fresh start, a second chance to be something special, something better for my grandson.  If God is willing to give me that gift.  I breathe deeply and TRUST HIM.  

A Prayer Answered

I was stressing last night because of unanswered phone calls and I was startled by the ringing of Doug's phone not long after I posted the prayer.  God is truly attuned.  Mike was for the moment safe. Thank  you.  Still today the field of sunflowers feels far away, yet I still yearn to turn my head toward the light and follow.  Give me the serenity of the sunflower patch today.  Help Mike to see the serenity of the sunflower patch also.  Un campo de girasoles...maravilloso.

A poem by Mike,

Among the Sunflowers

With sun above

and sun below

we looked out with longing to be

Among the Sunflowers

A mother who is tired

A son who is restless

find a solemn peace together

Among the sunflowers.

Today Again

I don't know why it is so hard to re-read journal entries from the past, I don't know what I am afraid of.  The feelings are just feelings.  I am not the same person I was in 2004.  I have grown, I look to God for my support and my guidance.  The anxious feelings come and I dismiss them, let them go.  The sadness for what our situation was sits upon my heart, and I know that I am really not sad today.  I do have feelings of uncertainty.  I still fall prey to the disease of addictive thinking.  I just wish Mike would call us.  That's all.  I want to know he's okay.  You, Lord, heard my prayers in the past and hear my prayers today.  Please take care of my son, Mike, today!

This is My Dreams Come True- Part Two

 By Michael, January 2007

That night two men cam for me.  One an ex cop, the other a marine.  They were taking me far away and no, not to California, but to the Dominican Republic.  I was going to boarding school.

The next three days were very tense and I must admit, there were not my best moments.  To sum it up, in three parts, I was tackled by a U.S. Marshall, handcuffed to a pillar at O'Hare Airport, I ran from the police, assaulted a Chicago police officer, and was finally shackled and driven to Atlanta to catch a flight.  Apparently they don't let crazy people on airplanes in Chicago.  Don't get me wrong, I was asking for it, and it's not worth going into detail about.

The school was not what I was expecting at all.  This is mostly because my lovely "escorts" told a few fibs here or there.  The school was very strict.  To give you an idea of how structured my life was to be for the next couple of months, I had to ask my house "father" for permission to step into every room.  I had two minutes to use the bathroom and would get "swats" on the behind for dropping even the slightest curse.  I could fill a book with the amount of things that happened there.  I won't go into much more detail.  But this is where I would become a Christian.

Seven months passed, and it was finally time for my parents to visit me.  I was ecstatic, I couldn't believe that much time had passed since I had seen my family.  I was waiting in my house for the call that my parents had arrived.  Then the phone rang and I ran out of the house, down the hill, and standing there was my mom, my dad, my brother and sister.  I greeted all of them with a smile and hugs and we got into a cab to go back to the hotel so I could spend some time with them for 5 days.  My brother handed me his ipod and played me a song.  It was one of his own originals entitled "This is My Dreams come True".  I had heard that song hundreds of times before but something hit me so hard I began balling my eyes out uncontrollably.  

My brother asked, "What's wrong, bro?"  

The only thing I could say was "It's so beautiful".  He hugged me and said, "It's okay, bro, it's good to see you."

It was the first song I had heard in seven months.  We weren't allowed to listen to music at the school.  Being a musician, music is my life and at that moment, it was the most  beautiful thing I had ever heard. 

This was the first time I had spent time with my family that I could remember where I got along with them and I was clean.  And I was happy.  There wasn't however, much talk of me coming home.  I would spend another 9 months at boarding school. 

Today

Today I am thinking about the past.  Trying to go there and think about it without feeling sad and lost and I am experiencing those feelings anyway.  Why is it so hard to revisit the past and still be able to leave feelings there in the past and not let them invade today and the future?  I keep thinking that my thoughts and my experiences from the past would help others going through similar things.  It is still difficult for me to go there  and experience the hurt and pain of parenting an addict again.  Don't know if I can find the peace of the sunflower patch on the way to a better day.  I ask God to help me.  Perhaps I can . Peace.

Beautiful sunflowers from a dear friend.

July 31, 2004

Surrender to the pain Then learn to surrender to the good. It's there and more is on the way. Love God, Love Family, Love what you do. Love people, and learn to let them love you. And always keep loving yourself. No matter how good it gets, the best is yet to come!
Beyond Codependency, Melody Beattie

It's done. It's in progress, the break has occurred and Mike is en route to the Dominican Republic. Of course, it was not smooth sailing....these people, the "escort service", will not give up on him even if they have to charter their own plane to the DR.  I'm reassured by talking to them of their commitment and experience, but this is painfully difficult!  

All I can do now is give it over to God...truly and completely.  A prayer for my son and my family, "Be with him today, Lord, work through the witness of these people to calm him and show him that our intentions are for the good.  Watch over them as they make their way down to Atlanta and ultimately to the DR.  I do believe this is Your plan.  Help me and Doug to focus on our own day..the trip to the wedding and help us to appreciate the love and support of our dearest friends.  I am grateful for that opportunity.  Be with Michelle as she travels...Matt as he travels...and Mike as well.  We're all so spread out! I must carry the family in my heart by faith and not by sight.  So that I can function, carry on, live, breathe, do, I ask you to help me today, Lord. Help me!  Amen"

July 30, 2004

I am feeling more, sharing more, sharing my feelings...or at least trying to. I am today seeing Mike's problem in a different light. How deep the pain and problems of addiction go! Deep! Mike is in much pain, physical and emotional. How did this happen? I don't know. How did I not see the problem? I don't know. Mike was a little child- a baby- trying on a life style that sucked him in and spat him out- lost, lonely, afraid, and addicted. I grieve for the lost innocence of my child, Michael. I know he wanted me to write a book about how my life might have been different. He gave me a title, "Among the Sunflowers". I wonder....was he really thinking of my life or was he speculating that he could somehow be something different, or not even exist, if I had my life to live over again?
But, you know, I doubt that I would have made any different choices along the way. There was never a doubt in my mind that Mike's life was valuable. I gave him my all and would do it again. Now, today, I just give him to my Lord and God to care for him, to love him, and to somehow break down these walls of addiction, self-pity and anger. As his mom, I am completely powerless now...I NEVER had any power over it. I cannot go back and live a different life...nor would I want to. My life is good....I pray for Mike to find a "new life" in Christ! Somehow....some way....a miracle perhaps!

Introduction

Among the Sunflowers

Written by Michael
January, 2007

Who I am, as I am now, is at the least summed up in threes: Three songs, Three sayings, Three movies, and Three stories. All of which have a special meaning to me in my life. As a man, I am three things now, a Christian, an artist, and a son. But I would not be these things as I am without the first or the second or the third. This is three stories in three parts that make me. The first of which takes me back three years ago, to a hospital, a conversation, and a boy who was lost and hurting, an addict.

"Hey Wha' Happens?" (Skeletons and the Kings of all Cities)

It was visiting time at the Behavioral Health Hospital, a Wednesday, I believe, it's so hard to remember the details sometimes. My parents were visiting me, but I had no desire to see them. Seven days earlier I had overdosed on cough medicine, heroine, and cocaine. The doctors were surprised that I had even made it through the night. The following days were some of the most painful I had ever experienced. Between the vomiting and the cold sweats, the last people I wanted to see were my parents. I couldn't face them. They had been the ones who had found me unconscious and unresponsive. I didn't want to feel those judging eyes pressing my heart into my chest. But I swallowed the rock I had lingering in my throat and gave my mom a hug. It was the coldest hug I had ever received from her. She was scared and lost about what to do with me and a tear welled up in her eye. I loved her even then. Even after all our arguments and fights. I may have said I hated her to her face, but deep down I hated myself.

Our conversation went, to the best of my memories, well. My dad spoke first, as always, being the proud father and husband he is and asked, "How are you?"

I replied, "I'm fine. How are you?"

I hated answering my father's question. Everyone of them seemed loaded and threatening so I would always try to avoid answering them by turning it around on him.

"Worried." He said.

"Oh, yeah." I said.

"Yeah, Mike, I don't know what to do with you. This is the 3rd time this has happened and I'm done with it!"

"Whatever." I said, disgusted.

My mother cut in at that point. "Whatever? Mike, is that all you can say is "whatever"? You almost died and your father and I have been going crazy and all you can say is "whatever"?"

I began getting angry. "Yes! That's all I can say. I'm not happy. I'm not sad. I don't feel anything anymore and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of not feeling anything."

"Well, what do you want us to do about it?" My mom cut in.

"Nothing, I don't want you to do anything. I just don't want to feel like this anymore, so I'm going to California with Kyle and his girlfriend." I got a little quieter. "Then I'll be out of your hair and you can just forget about me."

"Mike." My dad said sternly. "You can't go to California, you're sick, you'll die!"

I began getting frustrated. "I'll be fine. I just need to get away from you guys for awhile 'cause I'm losing it."

My mom cut in again, off topic. "Mike, where you ever happy?"

I answered abruptly, "Of course I was."

She said quickly, "When?"

The last time I was truly happy was when I was in Spain with my mother standing in the endless fields of sunflowers. It was one of those times my mother and I actually got along for more than a few minutes. I took a picture of my mom and she was smiling so wide. She was happy, too. Spain was her Eden, she had studied there in college and she talked about it constantly when I was a child. I made me happy to be there with her.

I couldn't tell her this of course, so I just said the next thing that came to my head. "I don't know, when I was five."

My mother rolled her eyes. My dad stood up and said, "We should be going now, our time is up."

There was a long pause. No one said a word until my dad said with contempt, "Goodbye, Mike."

"Goodbye, Dad."

I began getting a little sheepish. "I love you." He said.

"Love you too, Dad."

"Mom", I said softly as I gave her a hug. She hugged me so tightly I couldn't maintain composure and I began to cry.

"Goodbye, Mike." She said to me. I knew she was crying.

"I love you." She said.

"Love you, too."

This would be the last time I would speak to my parents face to face for seven or eight months.
Little did I know this was really them saying goodbye.(End of first story, more next time. Michael was escorted to a Therapeutic Boarding School in the Dominican Republic.)

What are you "Blogging"?

Dear sweet husband of mine, please do not worry about what I am blogging! This is more about me than anyone else in my life. I want to have a place to start to share some of my feelings and growth through the years...

Have a wonderful Father's Day. Without you, there would not be a story here. You are loved.