Today Again

I don't know why it is so hard to re-read journal entries from the past, I don't know what I am afraid of.  The feelings are just feelings.  I am not the same person I was in 2004.  I have grown, I look to God for my support and my guidance.  The anxious feelings come and I dismiss them, let them go.  The sadness for what our situation was sits upon my heart, and I know that I am really not sad today.  I do have feelings of uncertainty.  I still fall prey to the disease of addictive thinking.  I just wish Mike would call us.  That's all.  I want to know he's okay.  You, Lord, heard my prayers in the past and hear my prayers today.  Please take care of my son, Mike, today!

This is My Dreams Come True- Part Two

 By Michael, January 2007

That night two men cam for me.  One an ex cop, the other a marine.  They were taking me far away and no, not to California, but to the Dominican Republic.  I was going to boarding school.

The next three days were very tense and I must admit, there were not my best moments.  To sum it up, in three parts, I was tackled by a U.S. Marshall, handcuffed to a pillar at O'Hare Airport, I ran from the police, assaulted a Chicago police officer, and was finally shackled and driven to Atlanta to catch a flight.  Apparently they don't let crazy people on airplanes in Chicago.  Don't get me wrong, I was asking for it, and it's not worth going into detail about.

The school was not what I was expecting at all.  This is mostly because my lovely "escorts" told a few fibs here or there.  The school was very strict.  To give you an idea of how structured my life was to be for the next couple of months, I had to ask my house "father" for permission to step into every room.  I had two minutes to use the bathroom and would get "swats" on the behind for dropping even the slightest curse.  I could fill a book with the amount of things that happened there.  I won't go into much more detail.  But this is where I would become a Christian.

Seven months passed, and it was finally time for my parents to visit me.  I was ecstatic, I couldn't believe that much time had passed since I had seen my family.  I was waiting in my house for the call that my parents had arrived.  Then the phone rang and I ran out of the house, down the hill, and standing there was my mom, my dad, my brother and sister.  I greeted all of them with a smile and hugs and we got into a cab to go back to the hotel so I could spend some time with them for 5 days.  My brother handed me his ipod and played me a song.  It was one of his own originals entitled "This is My Dreams come True".  I had heard that song hundreds of times before but something hit me so hard I began balling my eyes out uncontrollably.  

My brother asked, "What's wrong, bro?"  

The only thing I could say was "It's so beautiful".  He hugged me and said, "It's okay, bro, it's good to see you."

It was the first song I had heard in seven months.  We weren't allowed to listen to music at the school.  Being a musician, music is my life and at that moment, it was the most  beautiful thing I had ever heard. 

This was the first time I had spent time with my family that I could remember where I got along with them and I was clean.  And I was happy.  There wasn't however, much talk of me coming home.  I would spend another 9 months at boarding school. 

Today

Today I am thinking about the past.  Trying to go there and think about it without feeling sad and lost and I am experiencing those feelings anyway.  Why is it so hard to revisit the past and still be able to leave feelings there in the past and not let them invade today and the future?  I keep thinking that my thoughts and my experiences from the past would help others going through similar things.  It is still difficult for me to go there  and experience the hurt and pain of parenting an addict again.  Don't know if I can find the peace of the sunflower patch on the way to a better day.  I ask God to help me.  Perhaps I can . Peace.

Beautiful sunflowers from a dear friend.

July 31, 2004

Surrender to the pain Then learn to surrender to the good. It's there and more is on the way. Love God, Love Family, Love what you do. Love people, and learn to let them love you. And always keep loving yourself. No matter how good it gets, the best is yet to come!
Beyond Codependency, Melody Beattie

It's done. It's in progress, the break has occurred and Mike is en route to the Dominican Republic. Of course, it was not smooth sailing....these people, the "escort service", will not give up on him even if they have to charter their own plane to the DR.  I'm reassured by talking to them of their commitment and experience, but this is painfully difficult!  

All I can do now is give it over to God...truly and completely.  A prayer for my son and my family, "Be with him today, Lord, work through the witness of these people to calm him and show him that our intentions are for the good.  Watch over them as they make their way down to Atlanta and ultimately to the DR.  I do believe this is Your plan.  Help me and Doug to focus on our own day..the trip to the wedding and help us to appreciate the love and support of our dearest friends.  I am grateful for that opportunity.  Be with Michelle as she travels...Matt as he travels...and Mike as well.  We're all so spread out! I must carry the family in my heart by faith and not by sight.  So that I can function, carry on, live, breathe, do, I ask you to help me today, Lord. Help me!  Amen"

July 30, 2004

I am feeling more, sharing more, sharing my feelings...or at least trying to. I am today seeing Mike's problem in a different light. How deep the pain and problems of addiction go! Deep! Mike is in much pain, physical and emotional. How did this happen? I don't know. How did I not see the problem? I don't know. Mike was a little child- a baby- trying on a life style that sucked him in and spat him out- lost, lonely, afraid, and addicted. I grieve for the lost innocence of my child, Michael. I know he wanted me to write a book about how my life might have been different. He gave me a title, "Among the Sunflowers". I wonder....was he really thinking of my life or was he speculating that he could somehow be something different, or not even exist, if I had my life to live over again?
But, you know, I doubt that I would have made any different choices along the way. There was never a doubt in my mind that Mike's life was valuable. I gave him my all and would do it again. Now, today, I just give him to my Lord and God to care for him, to love him, and to somehow break down these walls of addiction, self-pity and anger. As his mom, I am completely powerless now...I NEVER had any power over it. I cannot go back and live a different life...nor would I want to. My life is good....I pray for Mike to find a "new life" in Christ! Somehow....some way....a miracle perhaps!

Introduction

Among the Sunflowers

Written by Michael
January, 2007

Who I am, as I am now, is at the least summed up in threes: Three songs, Three sayings, Three movies, and Three stories. All of which have a special meaning to me in my life. As a man, I am three things now, a Christian, an artist, and a son. But I would not be these things as I am without the first or the second or the third. This is three stories in three parts that make me. The first of which takes me back three years ago, to a hospital, a conversation, and a boy who was lost and hurting, an addict.

"Hey Wha' Happens?" (Skeletons and the Kings of all Cities)

It was visiting time at the Behavioral Health Hospital, a Wednesday, I believe, it's so hard to remember the details sometimes. My parents were visiting me, but I had no desire to see them. Seven days earlier I had overdosed on cough medicine, heroine, and cocaine. The doctors were surprised that I had even made it through the night. The following days were some of the most painful I had ever experienced. Between the vomiting and the cold sweats, the last people I wanted to see were my parents. I couldn't face them. They had been the ones who had found me unconscious and unresponsive. I didn't want to feel those judging eyes pressing my heart into my chest. But I swallowed the rock I had lingering in my throat and gave my mom a hug. It was the coldest hug I had ever received from her. She was scared and lost about what to do with me and a tear welled up in her eye. I loved her even then. Even after all our arguments and fights. I may have said I hated her to her face, but deep down I hated myself.

Our conversation went, to the best of my memories, well. My dad spoke first, as always, being the proud father and husband he is and asked, "How are you?"

I replied, "I'm fine. How are you?"

I hated answering my father's question. Everyone of them seemed loaded and threatening so I would always try to avoid answering them by turning it around on him.

"Worried." He said.

"Oh, yeah." I said.

"Yeah, Mike, I don't know what to do with you. This is the 3rd time this has happened and I'm done with it!"

"Whatever." I said, disgusted.

My mother cut in at that point. "Whatever? Mike, is that all you can say is "whatever"? You almost died and your father and I have been going crazy and all you can say is "whatever"?"

I began getting angry. "Yes! That's all I can say. I'm not happy. I'm not sad. I don't feel anything anymore and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of not feeling anything."

"Well, what do you want us to do about it?" My mom cut in.

"Nothing, I don't want you to do anything. I just don't want to feel like this anymore, so I'm going to California with Kyle and his girlfriend." I got a little quieter. "Then I'll be out of your hair and you can just forget about me."

"Mike." My dad said sternly. "You can't go to California, you're sick, you'll die!"

I began getting frustrated. "I'll be fine. I just need to get away from you guys for awhile 'cause I'm losing it."

My mom cut in again, off topic. "Mike, where you ever happy?"

I answered abruptly, "Of course I was."

She said quickly, "When?"

The last time I was truly happy was when I was in Spain with my mother standing in the endless fields of sunflowers. It was one of those times my mother and I actually got along for more than a few minutes. I took a picture of my mom and she was smiling so wide. She was happy, too. Spain was her Eden, she had studied there in college and she talked about it constantly when I was a child. I made me happy to be there with her.

I couldn't tell her this of course, so I just said the next thing that came to my head. "I don't know, when I was five."

My mother rolled her eyes. My dad stood up and said, "We should be going now, our time is up."

There was a long pause. No one said a word until my dad said with contempt, "Goodbye, Mike."

"Goodbye, Dad."

I began getting a little sheepish. "I love you." He said.

"Love you too, Dad."

"Mom", I said softly as I gave her a hug. She hugged me so tightly I couldn't maintain composure and I began to cry.

"Goodbye, Mike." She said to me. I knew she was crying.

"I love you." She said.

"Love you, too."

This would be the last time I would speak to my parents face to face for seven or eight months.
Little did I know this was really them saying goodbye.(End of first story, more next time. Michael was escorted to a Therapeutic Boarding School in the Dominican Republic.)

What are you "Blogging"?

Dear sweet husband of mine, please do not worry about what I am blogging! This is more about me than anyone else in my life. I want to have a place to start to share some of my feelings and growth through the years...

Have a wonderful Father's Day. Without you, there would not be a story here. You are loved.

So, it has to do with sunflowers....

Sunflowers are my very favorite flowers, they are big, bold, bright and beautiful. They grow in Spain where I visit frequently. I have seen fields and fields of them growing in rows and all facing the sun at the same time. I have had a passion for the symbolism of sunflowers for many years as they lift their faces to follow the light each day.

This I also strive to do. I hold my God up as the light, and follow with my face looking upward each day. Sunflowers can be a metaphor for so many things to me. I just can't forget the day that my son, Mike, took my picture in a field of sunflowers in Sepulveda, Spain. It was a moment of pure happiness for me, a time when I was enjoying the moment. This is something I forget to do now and then... to just enjoy the moment!

So much has happened in my life in the last few years. I have grown and I have learned many things. My lesson for today is that I must always live my life among the sunflowers. In the now, eyes focused upward, heart open to the light.

Peace for the day! Gail