A New Heart?

Seems like the weeks have been flying by!  Why is that? Where have the "sunflower moments" gone? I am already back at school, trying to get to know new students and getting back into the swing of things.  Today was the first day of school...I am feeling a bit tired.

I have just learned that I have the beginnings of "heart failure".  I have always had a mitral valve prolapse, but never really worried about that too much.  After a check up in August, I learned that the heart is not pumping effectively and that I may need a pacemaker/defibrillator  at some point in the future. Again, where are the "sunflower moments"?  I am having a difficult time wrapping my mind around this whole concept of growing older, and having health problems.  God gave Doug a second chance a couple of times with his stents and we have been so grateful!  Now, God, what?  What do you have in store for me? See Ezekiel 36:26-27

"I will give you a new heart and put  a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.  And I will put my Spirit in you and move you..."

I am ready to be moved in some way, I feel it in my soul that some change is about to take place.  I just know that I am not ready to give up on living.  God has spoken to me through a song that I have been walking to by the Newsboys.   The last refrain echoes this last line...and when I hear it I feel that God is speaking to me through the music.

"There is so much more for you........There is so much more for you.......There is so much more for you...."

I trust that this is true!  Whatever it is or wherever it takes me I am willing.  Of course, I have my own ideas of what I'd like it to be: resting peacefully in a field of sunflowers, loved by my family and friends, healthy and whole emotionally and physically, resting in complete trust that the end will be pleasant.  I guess I really can't know yet!

Mike is again looking at going back to school.  He wants to go up to Kenosha to live near his girlfriend.  I am trying very hard to just stay out of the way.  I just can't seem to let go of the thought that he really needs help and support to get healthy and stable himself.  I truly don't know how to help him in a healthy way.  I truly don't.  I just ask God daily for wisdom and discernment, patience and the ability to step out of the way and let Mike do the things he needs to do for himself.  I doubt.  Then I tell myself that doubt means that I don't trust God to help Mike figure things out.....and I don't want to be lacking in faith so I just work on "letting go" and "letting go"  and clinging to my faith in God.

How can I feel anything but wonderful when I see the smile of my 1 month old grandson?  I love him so much!  His smile brightens my evening!