"Mother May I?" Living with Uncertainty and Unanswered Prayers

“Mother May I?”


On a warm June afternoon, I pick up an old journal and read a post that touches my heart.

March 18, 2009

I recall a children’s game where we lined up and one leader was “it”.  When it was your turn the leader would say, “
You may move ahead 3 steps.”
Then you would have to ask, “Mother, may I?”
The leader would say either, “Yes, you may.”
Or “No, you may________.”
And they would fill in a different direction for you to follow.

Sometimes I feel like I am still playing a game asking for permission to step forward in life….”Mother, may I?”

Is it okay?
Am I doing the right thing?
God are you really a parent/teacher type? Do you watch each of our steps so closely?
Do you really care?

Sometimes I ask you,
“God, may I?”

And you don’t respond.

Sometimes I face a roadblock and I know the answer is clearly, “NO.”

“Go a different way!”

I pray for wisdom today…wisdom about what I should do.

I wish for it to always be a clear, “Yes, you may take one GIANT step!”
Or “No, you may not!  Do this instead.” (And I fear it will be to take two GIANT steps backwards!)

What is it about this post touches my heart? I begin to reflect again on the many questions that I have had in my life, questions that seemed to have no clear answers.  I was struggling then with fear.  I was facing some rather serious health issues related to my heart.  I was experiencing a lack of energy to keep doing the job that I was doing and had just discovered that I would need to work several more years before I could retire. I wanted to retire while I still had some energy left to LIVE!  I was worried and I had questions. Would I ever get to retire?



And how is it that I AM learning to live with the questions?

Is it okay to just accept and love the questions themselves? Can I make my life move forward in the middle of a hundred unanswered prayers…when I don’t see what’s ahead? Living with uncertainty is difficult.

I wrote a special prayer for myself that day.

A prayer of questions,

Lord,
What is it that You would have me do with my life? I have found my roles as a wife and mother challenging and rewarding all at the same time.  Give me strength…infuse me with a spirit of love and positive attitude.

Lord,
I have questions about my professional future.  I am searching for guidance and a sign, what shall I do? Loving this question just confuses me. Trust.

I have questions about raising my children.  I want to get it right, but so much seems to go wrong.  My children don’t seem to follow you or even believe.  I have tried, Lord.  I am tired of trying. 

I have been blessed with a beautiful home, but still feel the waves of discontent here.  What does that mean? What are these whispers of discontent? 

Movement is difficult for me here, Lord…Move me in a direction that pleases you and serves you. 

I keep waiting for answers from YOU, Lord

Guide me…a visible recognizable sign would be welcome.  I am open…my hands are yours…take them and direct me to do work where I can best serve you. Give me peace and purpose in this time of questions.

Amen


As it turns out, I can now see how many of my prayers were answered. Sometimes, with a “yes” sometimes with a “no” and sometimes with a “maybe”… or even a ”WAIT, sit with the questions for a while!” And I did.  And I still do now…I  have lived with the questions and they seem to continue.
It sometimes seems that life is just one big question mark.

Even though I am finally retired, the questions keep coming.  My children are grown and have families of their own and the questions keep coming. I have 4 grandchildren and 1 on the way and I have even more questions than answers. How is that possible? I thought that as I got older and wiser, this would be different. But I do find that even though I still have questions, I am learning to live with them, love them. Nothing is certain. Ever. Can I wait with “breathless expectation” for what is to be revealed? What is God inviting me to do with these questions? Can I live with "gracious uncertainty"?


Uncertainty…Oswald Chamber writes in his devotional, My Utmost for His Highest,

“Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life—gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation.”

“Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in—but you can be certain that He will come. Remain faithful to Him.”  



Forgive us, O God, when we limit you...
When we remake you in our image,

When we claim our causes as your own,
When we box you in,
And explain you away,
And in our attempt at understanding, whittle away all mystery.
Forgive us for our human impulses, and change us:
Awaken us to your blinding glory,
Confound us by your love,
Shower us with grace so that we can be made new,
Recreated in your image,
Grateful for all we cannot know.
In the name of Christ, who brought us closer to you, we pray. Amen.

From the Roots of Life Prayers, June 19, 2016



Gail Mehlan
June 2, 2016
(Some italicized portion taken from journals dated 2009)