July 30, 2004

I am feeling more, sharing more, sharing my feelings...or at least trying to. I am today seeing Mike's problem in a different light. How deep the pain and problems of addiction go! Deep! Mike is in much pain, physical and emotional. How did this happen? I don't know. How did I not see the problem? I don't know. Mike was a little child- a baby- trying on a life style that sucked him in and spat him out- lost, lonely, afraid, and addicted. I grieve for the lost innocence of my child, Michael. I know he wanted me to write a book about how my life might have been different. He gave me a title, "Among the Sunflowers". I wonder....was he really thinking of my life or was he speculating that he could somehow be something different, or not even exist, if I had my life to live over again?
But, you know, I doubt that I would have made any different choices along the way. There was never a doubt in my mind that Mike's life was valuable. I gave him my all and would do it again. Now, today, I just give him to my Lord and God to care for him, to love him, and to somehow break down these walls of addiction, self-pity and anger. As his mom, I am completely powerless now...I NEVER had any power over it. I cannot go back and live a different life...nor would I want to. My life is good....I pray for Mike to find a "new life" in Christ! Somehow....some way....a miracle perhaps!